Long used as an underarm deodorant, Ban Soda has yet to gain a secure foothold in the competitive soft-drink industry. “Say what you will about the taste,” Mayor Bloomberg told reporters, “it’s very low in sugar, and I’ve never seen anybody drink more than a few sips of one. That’s why the problem of over-consumption here in New York stops today.”
In response to complaints from the New York City Beverage Association, which claims that city health administrators and the mayor’s office unfairly single out soda, Bloomberg urged New Yorkers to protect the soft-drink industry by finding alternative uses for soda.
“Back in the day, we used Coca-Cola as a personal feminine hygiene product,” Bloomberg said. “You could do that again today. Of course, the ants might get to be a problem, but I understand that a lot of people like the feeling.
“And there’s no chance of obesity: you could feel free to use as much as you like,” the Mayor said. “Personally, I’m a supersize douche.”