The Boushe Legacy

A brainstorming session, aboard Air Force One:
Laura Bush examines the latest draft of the anonymous screenplay.

As presidential administrations wind to a close, it is not uncommon for White House staffers to start thinking about future employment. Many seek jobs in television, usually as commentators (e.g. George Stephanopoulos), consultants, or producers (e.g. Dee Dee Myers). Sometimes, staffers write memoirs and even thriller novels, then try to sell the film rights.

This week, the William Morris Agency released excerpts from an anonymous, soon-to-be-completed screenplay. Although White House Press Secretary Dana Perino declined to comment on speculation that the author was George Bush, she admitted under questioning that the President hopes for a speedy end to the Hollywood writers’ strike, and that First Lady Laura Bush’s background as a librarian makes her “uniquely qualified as a proofreader and script doctor.” Moreover, she said, “This President has long believed that a percentage of the box office is preferable to a percentage of the profits, because too many in Hollywood subscribe to questionable accounting practices and fuzzy math.”

A few sample scenes from the screenplay, The Boushe Legacy, follow.

Seen 3
The Interogation Room, night.
Its real dark, see?

BOUSHE, a tall, hansom man in excelent fizical condition, enters.

BOUSHE
Alright, Thomas. Its yore turn to anser the questions now.

HELEN TOMAS, a fat ugly old broad who looks like she may be Islamic, is bound and tied to a chair.

HELEN TOMAS
I wont tell you anything, you basterd. Do yore worst.

BOUSHE
I dont think I half to do my worst, because I dont torture. Everything I’m going to do to you is perfecly legal.

He takes a wet warshcloth and puts it on her face.

Starring Matt Damon
as George “Gorgeous” Boushe

HELEN TOMAS
What are you going to do to me?

BOUSHE
What, are you bored? Get it? What-are-bored! Heh-heh-heh-heh.

HELEN TOMAS
I am sudenly charmed by your manliness. Lets sleep together.

BOUSHE
No, I wont do that. Tell me what the terrorists is learning.

HELEN TOMAS
I dont no anything.

BOUSHE
I always suspect as much.

HELEN TOMAS
But its true. I was just a front for the operation.

BOUSHE
Dont play cute with me, Tomas, it wont work. You are either with us or you are against us. And besides, you got to have a cute face if you want to play cute. Heh heh heh heh. Where are they?

HELEN TOMAS
Alright, I will tell you everything. Just dont hurt me. The terrorists are in Soddy Arabia.

BOUSHE
That is a lie and you no it. Dont you no the old saying, fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice — you just should not try to fool people.

He pores water on the warshcloth and she thinks she is drownding.

HELEN TOMAS
Alright, alright, its true, they are not in Soddy Arabia, they are in Iran.

BOUSHE
I thought as much.

HELEN TOMAS
Now let me go, please.

BOUSHE
(Shooting her dead)
Now you are free to go. Heh heh.

He turns to his ASSISTANT.

BOUSHE
Now its time to take out the garbage. And be sure to destroy the evidents.

Starring Ernest Borgnine as Helen Tomas

Seen 19
The Oval Office, day time.

THE PRESIDENT
Boushe, the press has gotten a hold on the story and now the public is upset about your methods. You caint be such a maverick. You have got to go by the book.

BOUSHE shoots the book.

THE PRESIDENT
Well you do get results. Maybe I misunderstimated you. Okay, do it yore way, but the secretary will disavo – The secretary will say he doesnt no anything about what you are doing.

BOUSHE
I like it better that way.

Seen 54
A glamoro – glamo – A real fancy hotel room.

BOUSHE is laying on top of the bed, reading the Bible. It is very late, probly nine thirty, maybe ten oclock at night. When a SEXY GIRL wearing only a negli – her underware comes walks in the door, BOUSHE jumps off the bed and points a gun at her.

SEXY GIRL
I want to sleep with you. I here you will leave no behind alone, and I have a real nice one.

BOUSHE
Who are you?

SEXY GIRL
I will not use protection, because that would be wrong, but I promise I do not have aids and I will raise our basterd child to be a Christian in the eyes of the Lord.

BOUSHE
No, abstinen – abstain – No, I am a super spy and I do not have sex with unmarried ladies unless they are my wife.

SEXY LADY
I understand, and I think yore unyeelding principals are amirable. I will now do what ever you tell me.

BOUSHE
Would you like to join me in prayer?

SEXY LADY
Yes, I believe so.

BOUSHE shoots her dead.

BOUSHE
I am sorry to do that, Condy, but you had it coming. Heh heh.

Starring Halle Berry as Condy

Seen 32
The Oval Office, day time.

THE PRESIDENT
Super spy agent Boushe, I have a classaf – a class of – I have a top secret mission for you. You have to go to Iran to save Dick Chenny, becos he is so dum, he went and got himself took hostidge.

BOUSHE
Yes, I will go. And by the way, here is my plan to fix the econimy and education and make tax cuts permament. Now I will go destroy the terrorists over there, so that they dont come over here.

THE PRESIDENT
Boushe, you are my hero. I new I could trust you with this mission.

BOUSHE
Mission acompli – Its as good as done, sir.

THE PRESIDENT
When you come back, I will make you the President. And by the way, I am your father.

BOUSHE
I am better than you.

THE PRESIDENT
Yes I no. I am not half the man you are. You are so tuff.

BOUSHE
Okay, good bye.

Starring Clint Eastwood as the President

Seen 845
The terrorists hide out, which is over in Iran. And its night.

CHENNY is all tied up and he is crying like a little girl. He is such a wuss.

BOUSHE
Do not be scared, I am here to rescue you.

CHENNY
You are my hero.

BOUSHE
Shut up, you are so dum.

CHENNY
Yes, you always no what to do. I will shut up now.

In comes the AYATOLLA and AL GORE.

AL GORE
Not so fast, Agent Boushe.

AYATOLLA
Yes, not so fast. I have a nucular weapon, and I will use it on you.

CHENNY
Oh, no, what are we gonna do now?

BOUSHE shoots the AYATOLLA and AL GORE until they are dead. Then he dismannel – Then he turns off the nucular weapon.

CHENNY
You have saved the day.

BOUSHE
Yes, I no that. You do not have to tell me that. I am a super spy, and I no every thing. I am the greatest.

And featuring Joe Pesci as Chenny