Ask Emile Zola!

Got a problem? Renowned 19th-century French novelist, critic, political activist, and advice columnist Emile Zola answers all questions!

Dear Emile Zola,

I work in the accounting department of a small firm in the Midwest. My immediate supervisor is a very nice guy, but he wears an overwhelming amount of cheap aftershave every day. My colleagues and I get dizzy and nauseous every time he stops by our cubicle. How can we gently (he is our boss, after all!) suggest to him that, in this case, less would definitely be more?

Signed,
Arrivederci Aroma?

Dear Aroma,

Your problem is surprisingly common — I hear from people in this situation quite often. Yet all you need do is to follow these few easy steps.

First, murder your supervisor. Either a stabbing in a deserted alley or an “accident” in a rowboat will do. After a decent interval (three or four days should suffice), you can take over his job, seduce and marry his widow, and move into his apartment. All your problems will be solved, unless of course you and your new wife eventually become so consumed with remorse and suspicion that you kill each other. Good luck!

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Dear Emile Zola,

I’m in my early 20s and quite shy. I’ve met a much older man whom I find attractive, and I believe he may find me attractive, too. I can’t work up the nerve to ask him out, much less find a way to let him know that I’d really like for him to ask me. He’s extremely well-off, financially and socially, and I don’t want him to think I’m a gold-digger. What can I do?

Signed,
Demure, Chaste and Pure

Dear Demure,

Try removing all your clothing, then his, and then ride him around the bedroom like a horsie. The rest will take care of itself!

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Dear Emile Zola,

I just started my freshman year at a liberal arts college in the Northeast. Before I left for school, my stepmom gave me an old lamp for my dorm room. Naturally, during a party, one of my friends knocked over the lamp and broke it. Now it turns out the lamp was an antique with a lot of sentimental value: it’s been in my stepmom’s family for generations. I know I need to tell her the truth — but how to do it so she doesn’t freak out?

Signed,
Stepson Steps Up

Dear Step,

Just sleep with her! Chances are, your dad won’t mind. (Hint: if she starts to lose interest, try dressing up as a girl, then sleeping with her some more.)

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Dear Emile Zola,

Now that my business is taking off, my wife would like to see us take a more prominent role in our community. Trouble is, I’m not much of a joiner, and after a hard day at the office, I’d really prefer just to stay home. But she’s putting more and more pressure on me. What can I do?

Signed,
Pillar of the Community

Dear Pill,

Your wife is right: why not take advantage of your position? And moving up the ladder is easy! At the next political demonstration in your town, try shooting and killing a nephew or young cousin. If your pastor is also a social-climber, your wife or daughter (or both!) should seduce him, effectively linking your fortunes to his. Finally, if you have any relatives who are eccentric or outspoken, make sure they’re institutionalized as soon as possible.

These may seem like small, almost effortless measures, yet they’re guaranteed to improve your status.

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Dear Emile Zola,

My wife’s younger sister has come to live with us. She’s quite attractive, and I’ve begun to have sexual feelings for her. What should I do?

Signed,
Brother-in-Lust

Dear Brother,

Rape her! If she resists, stab her in the thigh, then ask your wife to help you hold her down. Happy rutting! (Provided, of course, that rutting is in your nature.)

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