Mezzomania

Inspired by my feverish anticipation of two upcoming concerts … and by a certain Woody Allen film (with apologies to all concerned).

Scene: A doctor’s office. The MOTHER enters with her young SON, who sits in a chair before the doctor’s desk. The MOTHER hovers nearby.

MOTHER: Thank you for seeing us, Dr. Flicker. I’m at my wit’s end.

DOCTOR: What seems to be the trouble?

MOTHER: He says he’s depressed! Nine years old, and he’s depressed!

DOCTOR: Why are you depressed, Alvy?

Mezzomania: Could your child be at risk?

[The SON sits, hanging his head.]

MOTHER: [Answering for him] He says it’s something he read.

DOCTOR: [Amused] Something he read, huh?

SON: The universe is expanding.

DOCTOR: The universe is expanding?

SON: Well, the universe is everything, and if it’s expanding, someday it will break apart, and that would be the end of everything!

MOTHER: What is that your business? [She turns to the DOCTOR.] He’s stopped doing his homework!

DOCTOR: The universe won’t be expanding for billions of years yet, Alvy. And we’ve got to try to enjoy ourselves while we’re here!

MOTHER: What has the universe got to do with it? You’re here in France! France is not expanding!

Symptoms may include headache, dizziness,
and inflammation of the Berlioz.

SON: [Continuing as if he hasn’t heard anything they’ve said] And if everything comes to an end, I might not get to attend the concerts by Joyce DiDonato and Susan Graham next week! And in that case, what’s the point of living?

DOCTOR: [Suddenly serious] I see. Alvy, would you mind waiting outside for a minute?

SON: Might as well. It’s not going to make any difference, anyway. [He exits.]

DOCTOR: Mrs. Singer, how long has Alvy been listening to mezzo-sopranos?

MOTHER: Why — I don’t know. It all started with Marilyn Horne, I guess. Is there a problem, Dr. Flicker?

DOCTOR: Mrs. Singer, I’m going to level with you. Alvy may be suffering from Mezzomania, a possibly fatal condition.

MOTHER: But Marilyn Horne!

DOCTOR: Yes, yes, I know, it seems harmless enough to begin with. I mean, how can you like music and not like Marilyn Horne? But then you keep going … and going … until you’re listening to Susan Graham, Joyce DiDonato, Joyce Castle, Cecilia Bartoli, Vivica Genaux, Angelika Kirchschlager, Bernarda Fink, Anne Sofie von Otter, the list goes on.

MOTHER: You’re telling me! They’re all he wants to talk about. He’s just crazy about his mezzos.

DOCTOR: Literally, I’m afraid. And then comes the harder stuff, Dolora Zajick and Stephanie Blythe.

Some patients may experience occasional redheadedness.

MOTHER: Oh, Dr. Flicker! Just yesterday I caught him locked in the bath­room, listening to Ewa Podleś.

DOCTOR: A contralto! Why didn’t you tell me this immediately?

MOTHER: I didn’t realize —

DOCTOR: We’re going to have to operate immediately. Time is of the essence! If we don’t act now, he could start listening to —

MOTHER: [Horrified, sobbing] Countertenors!

DOCTOR: I’m afraid so. Mrs. Singer, you did the right thing in coming here today. And with any luck, Alvy will be back to normal in no time.

SON: [Sticking his head in the door] Is this going to take much longer? Because I don’t want to miss Frederica Von Stade’s farewell.

DOCTOR: [On intercom] Nurse, cancel all my appointments for the rest of the day, and call an ambulance. This is an emergency!

This is International Mezzomania Awareness Week.
Please be aware.