Better Living through Recognition Technology

Excuse me, have we met?

Dozens of law-enforcement agencies from Massachusetts to Arizona are preparing to outfit their forces with controversial hand-held facial-recognition devices as soon as September, raising significant questions about privacy and civil liberties.

With the device, which attaches to an iPhone, an officer can snap a picture of a face from up to five feet away, or scan a person's irises from up to six inches away, and do an immediate search to see if there is a match with a database of people with criminal records. The gadget also collects fingerprints.

-- Wall Street Journal, 13 July 2011

Friends, are you tired of receiving anonymous photos of people’s crotches in your e-mail? Have you wondered whether you’re looking at your ex-boyfriend, or Anthony Weiner, or a complete stranger? How do you know whom to ask to stop sending those pictures — or start sending more?

Well, your long sleepless hours of uncertainty are over at last — thanks to my new, patented Junk-Recognition Technology Systems™! Similar to the exciting new device that police departments are using to identify a person’s face — my Junk-Recognition Technology™ device allows you to point, shoot, and make an I.D. in one easy step!

Definitely not a photo of Anthony Weiner

Now you’ll never wonder whose junk you’re looking at! My database of over 6 billion Junk Male™ images can spot the difference between a suspect Weiner and any Boehner in the world!

It’s an idea whose time has come. And it’s hand-held — and cordless, too!

But wait! There’s more! If you order today, you can upload at no extra charge my exclusive patented Is That a Gun in My Inbox?™ app, to tell you whether the suspect Junk in question has been photoshopped. Just think of the hundreds of practical uses!

Order today!
’Cause you’ve got male!