Dangerous E-Lisions

Please, please, Mister Postman

For modern readers, much of the fascination of Choderlos Laclos’ celebrated novel, Les Liaisons Dangereuses, is the use of old-fashioned letter-writing. How could people in the 18th century seethe and plot, how could they flirt, much less have wild, passionate sex, when they weren’t even in the same room and had to wait days before receiving a response? In our day and age, we wouldn’t have the patience — and what’s more, we wouldn’t have the language, either.

The truth is that we’ve lost the ability to write letters, and many of us have lost the ability even to write e-mails. We do possess an ability far beyond the scope of Laclos and his characters, however, and it is my happy duty now to demonstrate the ascent of mankind. For we, too, can conduct our vicious business in writing — after our own fashion. Read on, and see what I mean.

Even Stephen Frears’ otherwise excellent film failed to enable Merteuil (Glenn Close) and Valmont (John Malkovich) to explore the full range of possibilities.

I.
11:17 A.M. October 22, 2011
The Vicômte de Valmont to the Marquise de Merteuil

can i haz tourvel?



II.
11:18 A.M. October 22, 2011
The Marquise de Merteuil to the Vicômte de Valmont

rotfl



III.
11:18 A.M. October 22, 2011
The Vicômte de Valmont to the Marquise de Merteuil

4 realz!



IV.
11:19 A.M. October 22, 2011
The Marquise de Merteuil to the Vicômte de Valmont

???



V.
11:20 A.M. October 22, 2011
The Vicômte de Valmont to the Marquise de Merteuil

totz

8--->****
!!

lmao



VI.
11:21 A.M. October 22, 2011
The Marquise de Merteuil to the Vicômte de Valmont

omg u r 2 gross



VII.
11:22 A.M. October 22, 2011
The Vicômte de Valmont to the Marquise de Merteuil

: P



VIII.
11:22 A.M. October 22, 2011
The Vicômte de Valmont to the Marquise de Merteuil

so?



IX.
11:23 A.M. October 22, 2011
The Marquise de Merteuil to the Vicômte de Valmont

no u got 2 haz volanges 1st.
#conventschoolgirl
: )



X.
11:24 A.M. October 22, 2011
The Vicômte de Valmont to the Marquise de Merteuil

: (

#catholicgirlswaitmuchtoolate



XI.
11:45 A.M. October 22, 2011
The Présidente de Tourvel to the Vicômte de Valmont

Stop sexting me!!!