Who wouldn’t want to see a quirky, heartwarmingindependent comedy about the white slave trade?
It’s awards season, and that means I’m busily trying to come up with movie projects of my own, so I won’t be left out next year. Because I look pretty good in formal wear, if I do say so.
Here are some of my latest concepts. They’re completely unoriginal and therefore totally safe, which is how I know you’ll want to greenlight them into development now. Or however you say that. Look, just have your people call my people.
The Ironic Lady
Meryl Streep is Alanis Morissette, dontcha think? Yeah, I really do think.
(Suggestion: Hire Phyllida Lloyd to “direct.”)
The Fartist
Hollywood smells an Oscar when Jean Dujardin returns to his low-comedy roots, starring as Joseph Pujol, “le Pétomane,” a popular real-life French music-hall performer. Isn’t it time to relive the glory days of moviemaking — the golden age of Odorama?
Carnyage
Jodie Foster goes on a promotional tour for her new movie, but a persistent entertainment reporter (Kristen Wiig) keeps asking her about a movie she made when she was a teenager. “What was it like to work with Gary Busey? No, really, what was it really like?”
We Need to See We Need to Talk about Kevin, Kevin
A young couple argues about which movie to see on a Saturday night. Harrowing.
Dondi
Re-booting the franchise based on a comic strip that hasn’t been done lately. (Not since 1961, in fact.)
Mission Impossible: Ghost Proctologist
The aging Ethan Hunt (Tom Cruise) undergoes an unusually suspenseful, top-secret prostate exam. You’ll be on the edge of your seat! And so will Tom!
Midnight in Paris, Arkansas
Woody Allen has definitely left New York City behind!
Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Spike
A black filmmaker becomes involved in a major espionage caper.
Bridesmaids Revisited
A middle-class Englishwoman’s life is upended when she agrees to be maid of honor for her noble-born best friend from Oxford. British Catholicism has never been funnier! Look out for the already notorious bangers-and-mash scene.
Here are some of my latest concepts. They’re completely unoriginal and therefore totally safe, which is how I know you’ll want to greenlight them into development now. Or however you say that. Look, just have your people call my people.
*
The Ironic Lady
Meryl Streep is Alanis Morissette, dontcha think? Yeah, I really do think.
(Suggestion: Hire Phyllida Lloyd to “direct.”)
*
The Fartist
Hollywood smells an Oscar when Jean Dujardin returns to his low-comedy roots, starring as Joseph Pujol, “le Pétomane,” a popular real-life French music-hall performer. Isn’t it time to relive the glory days of moviemaking — the golden age of Odorama?
*
Carnyage
Jodie Foster goes on a promotional tour for her new movie, but a persistent entertainment reporter (Kristen Wiig) keeps asking her about a movie she made when she was a teenager. “What was it like to work with Gary Busey? No, really, what was it really like?”
*
In My Week with Marilyn Horne, a young Englishman learns the hidden truths of a glamorous American superstar.
*
In My Week with Marilyn Horne, a young Englishman learns the hidden truths of a glamorous American superstar.*
We Need to See We Need to Talk about Kevin, Kevin
A young couple argues about which movie to see on a Saturday night. Harrowing.
*
Dondi
Re-booting the franchise based on a comic strip that hasn’t been done lately. (Not since 1961, in fact.)
*
Mission Impossible: Ghost Proctologist
The aging Ethan Hunt (Tom Cruise) undergoes an unusually suspenseful, top-secret prostate exam. You’ll be on the edge of your seat! And so will Tom!
*
Sure, those biceps look good now, but wait ’til you see the powerful psychological drama, Shape. Michael Fassbender stars as a gym instructor who suffers from exercise addiction.
*
Sure, those biceps look good now, but wait ’til you see the powerful psychological drama, Shape. Michael Fassbender stars as a gym instructor who suffers from exercise addiction.*
Midnight in Paris, Arkansas
Woody Allen has definitely left New York City behind!
*
Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Spike
A black filmmaker becomes involved in a major espionage caper.
*
Bridesmaids Revisited
A middle-class Englishwoman’s life is upended when she agrees to be maid of honor for her noble-born best friend from Oxford. British Catholicism has never been funnier! Look out for the already notorious bangers-and-mash scene.
*
Dondi. Seriously.
Dondi. Seriously.
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