GAYS MILLS, WI -- At a campaign stop just days before the winner-take-all Wisconsin primary, Republican presidential candidate and former Pennsylvania Senator Rick Santorum today urged voters to “return America to its traditional values,” including “prayer in the schools, criminalizing abortion, and rooting out the practice of witchcraft wherever it may dwell.”
“For too long Democrats in Washington and the liberal media have ignored the problem of witchcraft in America,” Santorum told Wisconsinites. “The Bible instructs women to submit to their husbands, but more and more, across this country, you see women casting spells, flying through the sky, poisoning wells, dancing with Satan, engaging in strange sexual practices using crucifixes, and working outside the home.
“My fellow Americans, you and I recognize the real problems facing this country. The time is now and this must stop!”
Taking direct aim at his rival for the Republican nomination, Mitt Romney, Santorum said that only a true conservative — namely, himself — would have the courage to uncover witches and prosecute them “under a new law, which I will send to Congress on my very first day as President, that would make witchcraft a capital offense once again, just as it was when this country got its start.”
Santorum noted that, while Governor of Massachusetts, home to the infamous Salem Witch Trials, Romney “did not prosecute, neither did he instruct state officials to investigate, a single case of sorcery, curses, or pacts with Satan. While milk-cows went dry for no apparent reason, and hens stopped laying, and reports of a talking goat in Seekonk spread the land, Mitt Romney stood by and did nothing.
“As Governor, my opponent did not dunk a single woman in the pond! He did not even investigate accusations by forcing strange women to recite the Lord’s Prayer to see whether their tongues would burst into flames,” Santorum said. “For years, Massachusetts’ unusually high number of stocks and pillories have remained idle. And at no time has my opponent endorsed the practice of burning witches at the stake!”
“I guess old Romney was afraid that a good witch-burning might contribute to global warming,” one Santorum supporter told a reporter. “America as we know it will perish, our children will be sold into slavery, and our livestock come down with murrain if we don’t nominate a true conservative to defeat Obama and all the other conjurors and servants of Satan.”
The candidate seemed to agree. “This country cannot afford a President who is soft on sorcery,” Santorum said in conclusion. “This election is about nothing less than the future of freedom — freedom from women with power.”
“Even a Massachusetts liberal like Ted Kennedy once managed to dunk a woman,” Santorum told Wisconsin voters.
“Romney never has.”
“For too long Democrats in Washington and the liberal media have ignored the problem of witchcraft in America,” Santorum told Wisconsinites. “The Bible instructs women to submit to their husbands, but more and more, across this country, you see women casting spells, flying through the sky, poisoning wells, dancing with Satan, engaging in strange sexual practices using crucifixes, and working outside the home.
“My fellow Americans, you and I recognize the real problems facing this country. The time is now and this must stop!”
Taking direct aim at his rival for the Republican nomination, Mitt Romney, Santorum said that only a true conservative — namely, himself — would have the courage to uncover witches and prosecute them “under a new law, which I will send to Congress on my very first day as President, that would make witchcraft a capital offense once again, just as it was when this country got its start.”
Santorum noted that, while Governor of Massachusetts, home to the infamous Salem Witch Trials, Romney “did not prosecute, neither did he instruct state officials to investigate, a single case of sorcery, curses, or pacts with Satan. While milk-cows went dry for no apparent reason, and hens stopped laying, and reports of a talking goat in Seekonk spread the land, Mitt Romney stood by and did nothing.
“As Governor, my opponent did not dunk a single woman in the pond! He did not even investigate accusations by forcing strange women to recite the Lord’s Prayer to see whether their tongues would burst into flames,” Santorum said. “For years, Massachusetts’ unusually high number of stocks and pillories have remained idle. And at no time has my opponent endorsed the practice of burning witches at the stake!”
“I guess old Romney was afraid that a good witch-burning might contribute to global warming,” one Santorum supporter told a reporter. “America as we know it will perish, our children will be sold into slavery, and our livestock come down with murrain if we don’t nominate a true conservative to defeat Obama and all the other conjurors and servants of Satan.”
The candidate seemed to agree. “This country cannot afford a President who is soft on sorcery,” Santorum said in conclusion. “This election is about nothing less than the future of freedom — freedom from women with power.”
“Even a Massachusetts liberal like Ted Kennedy once managed to dunk a woman,” Santorum told Wisconsin voters.“Romney never has.”
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