States of Acceptance

Living on the right-hand side of the Atlantic, I find that all the big speechmaking occasions in the U.S. are starting to run together.

My fellow Americans, distinguished visitors, members of Congress, Madame First Lady of Hollywood Angelina Jolie, and most of all you, the little people out there in TV land — I really didn’t have anything prepared. I’m overwhelmed.

I’d like to thank the Academy for presenting me with the Presidency of the United States. Really, it was an honor just to be nominated. And to all of the other nominees — John McCain, Mickey Rourke — you’re the heroes here tonight. And let’s not forget Ron Paul! (Pause for laugh.) This is for you, too, guys.

I’d like to thank everyone who helped me to get here tonight. It’s not every day that you get to star in a war movie, an espionage thriller, a sci-fi horror picture and a disaster movie — but thanks to the amazing scenario that George Bush so carefully crafted for me, I got that chance. Thanks, man. Really, I couldn’t have done it without you.

And now, to help me explain the budget and the bailouts, I’d like to ask my newly appointed economic and musical advisers, the lovely Miss Beyoncé Knowles and Miss Anne Hathaway, to join me now at the podium. Maestro?


The State of the Union ain’t great!
Two wars! Failing makers of cars!
Markets crashed, though we’re doling out cash!
That’s a depression!

No jobs for the working-class slobs!
And doubts on the worth of your house!
No thanks to the big greedy banks!
That’s a depression!

The Union’s a mess!
The mess is depress’d!
And that is the State of the Depression!


Thank you, thank you. Aren’t they something, folks? Let’s have a big round of applause for them: Beyoncé Knowles and Anne Hathaway! I call them my Talent Czars.

I see I’m running out of time here, so let me wrap this up. But one last thing — you know, a lot of people say this is a petty, elitist, self-absorbed town that doesn’t really understand the problems and needs of the rest of the country. Wait a minute — am I in Washington or Hollywood right now? (Pause for laugh.)

But seriously, folks, it’s thanks to the great work that you do, that this is such a great country. Am I right?

Good night, everybody. God bless America! Jai ho!


FOOTNOTE FYI: A Nexis database search turns up, in the New York Times, 251 mentions of the phrase Academy Awards or the word Oscars since Jan. 1. That's more mentions in the Times than for the words Pakistan (186), Geithner (169), foreclosure (142), or Blagojevich (66).

Timothy Noah, SLATE.COM
18 February 2009