28 April 2009

Swine Song

The following test is offered as a public service. Please read carefully and answer all questions thoroughly: the life you save may be your own.

Are you concerned about a scratchy throat or runny nose?

If you answered “Yes,” do you have any of the following symptoms: chills, sweats, loss of appe­tite or increased appetite (especially before or after mealtime), sleep­less­ness, drowsi­ness, increased heart rate, fatigue, muscle pain, nervous­ness or headache?

If you answered “No,” shouldn’t you be concerned?

Describe the last time you came in contact with a pig. (Please be specific.)

When was the last time you washed your hands?

When was the last time you checked your temperature?

If you answered “Yes,” did you use the back of your hand or a thermometer?

If you answered “Thermometer,” did you remember to sterilize it first?

Have you recently visited Mexico?

Have you recently visited anyone who has recently visited Mexico?

Have you recently visited anyone who used the word “Mexico” in a sentence?

Have you recently visited a doctor or hospital emergency room?

If you answered “No,” why not?

Complete the following sentence: The most important problem facing the world today is ________________

When was the last time you heard a news report about swine flu?

When was the last time you heard a news report about anything else?

Following the news report, did you (choose one):
a) Run screaming from the room?
b) Scream first, then run out of the room?
c) Scream, but remain in the room, because it’s too dangerous to leave the house?

If you are a journalist, when was the last time you delivered a news report about swine flu?

Did you (choose one):
a) Lower your voice dramatically?
b) Omit, shorten, or otherwise minimize a report about the economy or war in the Middle East?
c) Wear a blue surgical mask?

Conclusion: If you answered the questions above, you may be suffering from Swine Flu Pandemic Panic (SWPP), a potentially serious condition. Seek medical attention immediately.



1 comment:

(av)Uncle(ular) Peter said...

All this hoopla over nothing. If you check the OED (or maybe a bathroom wall on the QED.....), a Pandemic is a convention of flutists!