03 April 2011

The Chalkboard Menace

She only looks innocent:
In reality, she’s coming for your children.

My fellow Americans, our great nation is facing the most serious threat in its long and glorious history, and it is time to sound the call. We must act now, or suffer the consequences. The very fate of the Republic is in our hands.

For generations, my fellow citizens, our land has been infiltrated by a subversive group so cunning and so subtle that we could not suspect their true purpose. Ingeniously, they have striven to sap our vital financial resources, far into the future. Moreover, they preyed on the most innocent and neglected of all Americans: our children. Filling young minds with dangerous ideas about science, mathematics, and history, these people could, at any minute, bring the government to its knees. I speak, of course, of that nefarious network of chalkboard terrorists: schoolteachers.

Who Are They?
Draining the American taxpayer’s wallet, year after year, schoolteachers claimed to seek but little financial reward for their jobs, which is just as well, considering how easy they have it. What is a schoolteacher but a baby-sitter who doesn’t raid your refrigerator and who probably isn’t making out with her boyfriend on your living-room couch when you get home? And how much do you pay a baby-sitter? Consider, too, what short hours teachers work and how many weeks of vacation they get each year.

Instead of high wages now, teachers asked for pensions later — but at what a price? These so-called “pensions” are out of all proportion with a schoolteacher’s salary, and paying them over time could restrict this great nation’s ability to protect the growth of our economy by ensuring that rich people never pay any taxes.

To fight for their so-called entitlements and privileges, many schoolteachers banded together in cells they called “unions.” As you well know, ladies and gentlemen, America has a long and proud tradition of resistance to such organizations, which are and always have been the well-known refuge of Socialists, Communists, Anarchists, and foreigners.

Do I have to spell it out? Schoolteachers want health care. That just shows you what kind of mentality we’re dealing with here.

What Is Our Children Learning?
Meanwhile, the youngest Americans are being brainwashed. Every day, our children are being instructed in basic math skills that might enable them to understand the flaws in our budget proposals on Capitol Hill. By learning so-called “social studies” (or, as I call them, Socialism studies), children may discover that other countries exist, and that they don’t do things the way America does.

Perhaps most alarmingly of all, it’s true that, in a few cities and towns, children are still, despite our best efforts, learning scientific “method,” mathematical “proof,” and historical “analysis” that can only confuse them and cause them to question their leaders.

You Get What You Pay For
We have attempted to combat this menace by using the principles of the free market. We paid teachers so little, we believed that they simply could not afford to continue. As our Founding Fathers wrote in the U.S. Constitution, “Those who can’t earn, teach.” Understandably, we believed that, in time, the few remaining holdouts would reveal themselves, making it easier to eliminate them altogether.

Even after we began the elimination process — starting with art and music teachers, and with school librarians — the enemy tenaciously maintained its position. Not only did incompetent teachers remain, but others did, too. It’s now clear that a broad network of ideological zealots are holding out, ruthless in their pursuit of educating young people.

Modest Proposals
That’s why I’m here to tell you, my fellow Americans, that we aren’t doing enough. Slashing salaries and budgets, laying off personnel and hobbling unions will go only so far to meet our goals of defeating this enemy and enhancing my political prospects in 2012. (After all, if there is anything more alarming than the presence of teachers in our nation’s schools, it is that you never hear anybody say, “What this country needs is Bill Madison in the White House.”)

With these things in mind, I would like to offer the following proposals.

I. The U.S. Department of Education must be abolished; henceforward, all matters pertaining to education must fall under the jurisdiction of the Department of Homeland Security — where they belong!

II. The Educational Offender Act, now before Congress, must be passed. Any persons actively teaching or with a history of engagement in educational activities must be required to register with local law enforcement, and kept under round-the-clock surveillance. Communities must be notified of the presence of educators in their midst, through the use of databases; published announcements in the press and on-line; posters near schools and playgrounds; brochures distributed free of charge to households with young children; and traffic-warning signs at major intersections throughout the land.

III. “Starve the beast” is good policy for bloated state and federal budgets, and it’s good policy for schoolteachers, too. Effectively immediately, all teachers and school administrators must be taxed at the highest possible rate: I propose 99 percent. Let’s put those public salaries back into the hands of you, the people who paid them! This will help to reduce the deficit and to stimulate the economy, and you’ll receive your refund checks just as soon as the current budget crisis is met.

IV. If teachers are so smart, they won’t need books in order to help our children achieve high test scores. Therefore, we must eliminate all textbooks, with the exceptions of the Bible, Tom Bass’ Play Football the NFL Way, and Ayn Rand’s The Fountainhead, which contain all the information children need to know about science, history, and everything else.

V. Finally, I would like to propose that we stop talking about schoolteachers. If we must refer to them, let us call them “bad teachers,” to ensure that each and every one of those lazy, incompetent, low-earning boobs knows exactly what we think of them.

The time to act is upon us, for if we fail, we will live up to the words of Shakespeare’s immortal Henry V, who said, “The fault lies not in our stars, dear Horatio, but in the people who tried to teach us stuff.”

Thank you. God bless America.


Elaine Fine said...

Will you force them to stop teaching if they get married, because they could become pregnant?

Will you empower them by giving them rulers and paddles to rap the kuckles and behinds of disobedient children?

Randy said...

Unfortunately, your satirical commentary misses the important reality that schools no longer actually teach children how to learn. The most effective way to demoralize teachers has already been enacted, namely rampant standardized testing with school funding on the line. If teachers were actually allowed to teach, perhaps those mathematics and social studies you decry would be dangerous tools in the hands of young minds. As it is, teachers have been relegated to that most insulting of categories: harmless.

William V. Madison said...

Elaine, I like the way you think. But I believe that, in order to make teachers as miserable as possible, we should distribute the rulers and paddles to children, and encourage them to swat the teachers. (Actually, this would be preferable to the instruments used by many kids nowadays.)

William V. Madison said...

Randy, I did refer to the testing matter, and many of my teacher friends complain about it at length and with passion. But what interested me on the present occasion was the wide-scale demonization of teachers by politicians in the U.S. (The French are attempting "education reform" and eliminating teaching jobs, too, but their rhetoric has tended to be gentler.) If teachers have indeed been rendered harmless, perhaps that's why so many politicians feel secure in attacking them.