19 January 2012

We Bought a Zooey

Who wouldn’t want to see a quirky, heartwarming
independent comedy about the white slave trade?


It’s awards season, and that means I’m busily trying to come up with movie projects of my own, so I won’t be left out next year. Because I look pretty good in formal wear, if I do say so.

Here are some of my latest concepts. They’re completely unoriginal and therefore totally safe, which is how I know you’ll want to greenlight them into development now. Or however you say that. Look, just have your people call my people.

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The Ironic Lady
Meryl Streep is Alanis Morissette, dontcha think? Yeah, I really do think.

(Suggestion: Hire Phyllida Lloyd to “direct.”)

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The Fartist
Hollywood smells an Oscar when Jean Dujardin returns to his low-comedy roots, starring as Joseph Pujol, “le Pétomane,” a popular real-life French music-hall performer. Isn’t it time to relive the glory days of moviemaking — the golden age of Odorama?

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Carnyage
Jodie Foster goes on a promotional tour for her new movie, but a persistent entertainment reporter (Kristen Wiig) keeps asking her about a movie she made when she was a teenager. “What was it like to work with Gary Busey? No, really, what was it really like?”

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In My Week with Marilyn Horne, a young Englishman learns the hidden truths of a glamorous American superstar.

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We Need to See We Need to Talk about Kevin, Kevin
A young couple argues about which movie to see on a Saturday night. Harrowing.

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Dondi
Re-booting the franchise based on a comic strip that hasn’t been done lately. (Not since 1961, in fact.)

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Mission Impossible: Ghost Proctologist
The aging Ethan Hunt (Tom Cruise) undergoes an unusually suspenseful, top-secret prostate exam. You’ll be on the edge of your seat! And so will Tom!

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Sure, those biceps look good now, but wait ’til you see the powerful psychological drama, Shape. Michael Fassbender stars as a gym instructor who suffers from exercise addiction.

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Midnight in Paris, Arkansas
Woody Allen has definitely left New York City behind!

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Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Spike
A black filmmaker becomes involved in a major espionage caper.

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Bridesmaids Revisited
A middle-class Englishwoman’s life is upended when she agrees to be maid of honor for her noble-born best friend from Oxford. British Catholicism has never been funnier! Look out for the already notorious bangers-and-mash scene.

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Dondi. Seriously.

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