16 February 2012

Americans Worst Parents in Universe, New Book Says

Nikto-7Z781 with her youngest child, Benjamin Spock.

American parents are the absolute worst in the entire universe, according to a new book, Bringing Up B2D2, by noted Rigelian author Klaatu Nikto-7ZY81. Although the book won’t be released until next week (by Area 51 Press), it’s already generated considerable controversy — and it’s also a best-seller, the most widely pre-ordered book on Amazon this week.

For example, Nikto-7ZY81 credits the current rise in childhood obesity in America to the tendency of Americans to allow their children to eat carbon-based food. “You never see a Rigelian child weighing more than 2.7 gozwats,” the author says, “and every American parental unit must look deep within its blood-pumping apparatus to ask the reason why.”

“Even this guy is a better parent than you,
silly American Earthlings,” says Nikto-7ZY81.

Discipline is never a problem for extraterrestrial parents, Nikto-7ZY81 says. “My child units know that it would take only a single misstep in order for me to terminate and begin to raise one of their clones instead,” says one Antarean mother, Shazbat Nanoo of Delta Ceti 12, quoted several times in Bringing Up B2D2. “Disobedience would be highly illogical.”

Nikto-7ZY81 was born on Antares 5, but abducted in her youth to Rigel 7. She is the mother of three life forms, ages 3 to 597 time units; she tells readers that she conceived “in the traditional manner, following extensive anal probing on board the mother ship.”

Despite what some Americans may feel is an alien perspective, Nikto-7ZY81 tells reporters that the lessons she brings to Earth can be applied broadly. “They don’t call ’em universal for nothing,” she says.

Playtime between parent and child-unit is perhaps
the most important part of the solar interval,
Nikto-7ZY81 says.

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