13 May 2014

Michael Sam Criticized for Having Hot Boyfriend


Shock waves raced through the Internet following Southeastern Conference defensive player of the year Michael Sam’s widely seen celebratory kiss upon receiving word that he’d been drafted by the St. Louis Rams. Sam will be the first openly gay player in professional football; the kiss was broadcast on ESPN, and reaction was immediate.

“It’s disgusting,” said one viewer in Texas. “I am a decent, God-fearing American, and I don’t want to see two men who are better-looking than I am kiss like that. If ESPN is going to force me to confront the fact that I will never be as hot as either of these guys, then I will switch to another network for my sports news.”

“Frankly, it makes me uncomfortable,” said one NFL player, who asked to remain anonymous. “When I realize that Michael Sam could potentially see me naked in the locker-room shower, and when I think that, on a regular basis, he gets to look at a guy who is much hotter than I am — it’s just not what God intended, I have to say.”

“They’re rubbing our faces in their hotness, just the way they rubbed cake in each other’s faces,” said a viewer in Mississippi. “I mean, I’m a football fan. If I want to see good-looking men together, I’ll watch soccer. Oh, Lord — now that there are gays in the NFL, are we going to have to start calling it ‘American football’? Jesus wept.”


“Tom Daley and Dustin Lance Black were bad enough,” said a viewer in Arizona, “but this is beyond the pale. When I think of attractive men, pressing their lips together in celebration, when I think of their fit bodies locked in a tight embrace, openly and proudly expressing their love, it makes my blood boil. Is it just me, or did it get hot in here all of a sudden?”

“It’s outrageous,” agreed a viewer in Louisiana. “I mean, can you imagine what they did later that night, after the television cameras were turned off? I mean, they were turned off, weren’t they? Has anything surfaced on the Internet yet?”

Women viewers expressed their outrage, as well. “What right does ESPN have to remind me that I will never have a boyfriend as hot as Michael Sam’s boyfriend?” one viewer said.

“Did you see how hot that guy is?” agreed another female viewer. “My boyfriend can’t compete with that. Now, whenever he wants to kiss me, mental images of Michael Sam’s boyfriend are going to flash through my mind.

“And the worst part is, whenever my boyfriend and I have cake, we just eat it,” she added. “We would never do anything cute or sexy with it, like smearing it on each other’s faces and then kissing off the icing. I mean, what a waste of cake! It’s disgusting.”


“I hear he’s a swimmer,” said a woman in Tampa. “He probably owns more than one Speedo. He’s probably all smooth and crazy ripped. And then he gets out of the pool all sleek and wet, slowly, and he has to reach back and discreetly tug up the Speedo a little bit because it’s kind of sliding off his tight little butt, and he grabs a towel and slowly, gently dries himself while the sun shines on his glistening muscles, and do you have any idea what my boyfriend would look like in a Speedo?”

Sam’s boyfriend has been identified as Vito Cammisano, 23, a swimmer and fellow University of Missouri alumnus.

“Oh, God, you mean he’s Italian, too?” said one sports fan. “Oh, man. This is just cruel.”

2 comments:

Anne said...

I’m a football fan. If I want to see good-looking men together, I’ll watch soccer. Oh, Lord — now that there are gays in the NFL, are we going to have to start calling it ‘American football’? Jesus wept.”

Just a couple of screamingly funny lines in a post full of 'em!

Hilarious

William V. Madison said...

Thank you!