“Seriously,” Obama said in a brief statement in the White House Press Room, “we did a Google search, and all it showed was that Brian Boitano didn’t discuss his private life in interviews, dating all the way back to 1985. I mean, with Billy Jean King and Caitlin Cahow, sure, we did kind of want to make a low-key statement of opposition to Russia’s repressive anti-gay policies.
“But a third gay person in the delegation? Man, [Russian President Vladimir] Putin is gonna be pissed.”
Boitano, who won Olympic gold at the Albertville games in 1988 and competed at the Lillehammer games in 1994, confirmed yesterday that he is gay.
“Boy, I didn’t see that coming,” Obama told reporters.
The President revealed that, by selecting Boitano, he had hoped that the United States Delegation would present to the world “the kind of Winter Olympic spirit that has inspired American children for a quarter-century. Y’all have seen the South Park movie, right?”
White House Press Secretary Jay Carney confirmed that administration officials are currently seeking an extra straight person or two, to round out the delegation and appease Russian officials.
“With his easy charm and good looks, we thought we had the perfect straight guy in Brian,” Carney said. “Have you seen pictures of him? Women just throw themselves at him! But then he came out yesterday, so now it’s back to the drawing board.”
Former Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano will lead the delegation, including Boitano, to the opening ceremonies. “I’d like to take this opportunity to make a personal appeal,” Obama said as he concluded his remarks. “Please, Janet, no surprises.”