How to Rescue the United States Postal Service

In the heat of the overwhelmingly gratifying public response to my proposal to solve the problem of America’s uninsured, I am ready now to turn to some of the other great challenges that face us as a nation in our time. First up: the ailing United States Postal Service.

The problem here is not really that Americans no longer use the mail to communicate with each other, or that almost every other form of communication is faster, more reliable, and often cheaper: FedEx, e-mail, Skype, messages in a bottle cast into the ocean. All of these are superior to the “services” provided by the U.S.P.S., although admittedly, the other guys don’t sell cute little stamps.

The real problem, however, is that the Post Office is boring. It’s badly decorated. It’s full of long lines of customers who fritter away their lives while they wait for assistance from counter staff who are equally bored, much more surly, and dubiously qualified to carry out their duties. In short, it’s just like a fast-food restaurant.

“But Americans like fast-food restaurants,” you say: “Why aren’t we flocking to the Post Office for more of the same soulless, unhealthy atmosphere?”

Well, you’re getting close to the solution.

Starting right now, the United States government could generate substantial income by renting its 31,000 post offices and reselling its supplies to a business that puts expansion above every other consideration — ahead of anything else on earth, really. Namely, Starbucks.

This would mean a few changes, right from the very first day. The popular expression “Going postal” would now come to mean “Ow, my stomach hurts from drinking all that coffee.”

The “Venti”-size cup would henceforward be known as the “Cinquanta-due,” though it would contain the same amount of coffee. (But with a “Forever” cup, you get two free re-fills!)

All of those overpriced, minuscule Starbucks baked goods and sandwiches would be wrapped in unused Express Mail envelopes — which is actually no big deal, since they’re made of the same ingredients.

Starbucks gets a lot out of the deal, since after all there are only so many strip malls in America, and it’s time to look for new locations. Also, since not even Starbucks can be everywhere at once, the company can now entertain the possibilities of re-purposing old mail trucks and sending them out to deliver Starbucks direct to your doorstep.

Mail delivery would still be performed, but the next time it takes two weeks for your letter to get across town, you won’t mind. Customers’ expectations reasonably would be diminished, because — hey — what does a coffee shop counterperson know about mail delivery?

So if your contract hasn’t arrived by the end of the next business day — no sweat! Sit back and enjoy another cup of chai!

The 574,000 former employees of the defunct U.S.P.S. will have the option to apply for employment with Starbucks. Some may object to losing their labor-union representation. Others may object to limited breaks, or to requirements to behave politely toward customers. Those who can’t cut the mustard will be offered a consolatory cup of latte (only one per customer, while supplies last; void in Utah).

But most former postal workers will be glad to wave goodbye to that old “Neither rain nor snow” bullshit. How did they ever manage to keep up that phony act for so long?

Soon you’ll see that moods are improving across the board, as it becomes impossible to tell who’s waiting for service in the post office and who’s just hanging out, drinking coffee, writing in their journals, and listening to the super-cool music Starbucks always plays.

And in faraway Washington, our representatives will be able to return to other pressing issues of the day, confident that they have served their constituents well, albeit not quite so well as they’d serve us if they, too, were Starbucks baristas.

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How to Solve the Problem of America’s Uninsured

At last, a policy we can all endorse.

Since the number of Americans without health insurance rose to record levels — and since months of wrangling in Congress failed to come up with an “Obamacare” that sincerely pleased anybody at all — the nation continues to debate the best response to a persistent problem. Even the leading candidates for the Presidency don’t seem to have the answer — but I do.

Effective immediately, the federal government should purchase lions from cash-strapped zoos and circuses across the country. I know what you’re thinking: “Who’s going to pay for those lions?” Well, don’t worry, because those lions are going to pay for themselves!

The lions would be kept in football stadiums all over America — and really, what community worthy of the name doesn’t have one? “Who’s going to feed them?” you ask, still worried about government spending. But don’t worry! I’ve got that figured out, too.

Every Saturday afternoon, uninsured residents of the United States, having been assigned lottery numbers, will report to their local stadium, where a paying crowd is waiting. (Ticket sales and television rights will more than cover administrative costs, as you’ll see.)

Then, one by one, the uninsured will be thrown to the hungry lions, while the cheering crowd watches.

Instantly, we as a people need never again fear that we’re indirectly paying for medical care for the uninsured, who spread disease or rely on hospital emergency rooms and generally prove a burden to taxpayers everywhere.

Moreover, we can freely indulge two of America’s greatest passions: our love of sports, and our love of the death penalty.

Indeed, previous health-care proposals have failed precisely because they weren’t American enough. “Too European,” the critics are quick to say; “too Socialist.” There’s no such problem with my plan — you can’t get more American than the Saturday Slaughter!

Over time, we may even need to buy a few tigers, panthers, and bears to keep up with the vast supply of victims.

“But wait,” you say, “do uninsured Americans really deserve to die?” Really, it’s sweet of you to ask. But I’d like to remind you that America is a free country, where we’re free to make our own decisions about our health. And if we decide to do something that will ultimately kill us, that’s our right, and no one can take that away from us, thank God.

Really, the Saturday Slaughter is the humane option. With health care costs soaring and insurance plans shrinking even as they get more expensive, fewer Americans can afford to choose the insurance plan that works best for them. Rather than continue to rack up massive debt they’re unlikely ever to pay off, those who are sick already will probably be glad to be thrown to the lions!

And my plan need not mean the creation of a permanent federal program simply to address a near-term crisis. If we pace the weekly slaughters appropriately (say, 20 or 30 executions per community per week), we’ll run out of uninsured in a few decades, at which time the program can be dissolved.

Also, throwing the uninsured to the lions will create jobs! Private contractors will obtain licenses to purvey concessions at each stadium. In layman’s terms, this means that you can apply to sell peanuts in the stands during Saturday Slaughters!

Granted, your paycheck probably will be tiny. But it’s a job. Plus, you’ll get to see the Slaughter for free! How great is that?

Best of all, if we price the tickets appropriately, America will generate vast reserves of revenue for years to come — without raising taxes! As we all know, raising taxes would be wrong.

Honestly, I can’t find a single fault with this plan. I hope you agree — and start writing your Congressional representatives and preferred Presidential candidates. Do it today!

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Better Living through Recognition Technology

Excuse me, have we met?

Dozens of law-enforcement agencies from Massachusetts to Arizona are preparing to outfit their forces with controversial hand-held facial-recognition devices as soon as September, raising significant questions about privacy and civil liberties.

With the device, which attaches to an iPhone, an officer can snap a picture of a face from up to five feet away, or scan a person's irises from up to six inches away, and do an immediate search to see if there is a match with a database of people with criminal records. The gadget also collects fingerprints.

-- Wall Street Journal, 13 July 2011

Friends, are you tired of receiving anonymous photos of people’s crotches in your e-mail? Have you wondered whether you’re looking at your ex-boyfriend, or Anthony Weiner, or a complete stranger? How do you know whom to ask to stop sending those pictures — or start sending more?

Well, your long sleepless hours of uncertainty are over at last — thanks to my new, patented Junk-Recognition Technology Systems™! Similar to the exciting new device that police departments are using to identify a person’s face — my Junk-Recognition Technology™ device allows you to point, shoot, and make an I.D. in one easy step!

Definitely not a photo of Anthony Weiner

Now you’ll never wonder whose junk you’re looking at! My database of over 6 billion Junk Male™ images can spot the difference between a suspect Weiner and any Boehner in the world!

It’s an idea whose time has come. And it’s hand-held — and cordless, too!

But wait! There’s more! If you order today, you can upload at no extra charge my exclusive patented Is That a Gun in My Inbox?™ app, to tell you whether the suspect Junk in question has been photoshopped. Just think of the hundreds of practical uses!

Order today!
’Cause you’ve got male!

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My Controversial Re-Gaying Therapy, Explained

The view from the closet: Just a few of the thousands of Americans
who could stand to be a bit gayer, if you ask me.
New York’s Pride 2011, seen from upstairs at the Stonewall Inn.
Photo by WVM

Now that my fiancé, James Franco, is running for President of the United States, there have been a lot of rumors about me, about my beliefs, and about the important work that I do in my Christian-based counseling center. Perhaps most distressing to me personally are the vicious rumors to the effect that I may be engaged in the controversial practice of “re-gay therapy,” in conjunction with the larger “re-gay movement.” Some people even have the audacity to claim that I accept federal funds for my counseling work.

These rumors must stop immediately. They cause unspeakable pain to me and my family, and they are highly damaging to my professional reputation. These rumors must cease — and be recognized as fact.

Surprisingly good for you: Marcus and Michele Bachmann,
two Americans who need to be much, much gayer.

When we are honest with ourselves, we can admit that far too many Americans are simply not gay enough. Since we all know that being gay is a choice, we know that we can — we must — choose to be even gayer. And make no mistake: I’m doing the Lord’s work here. Just take a look at the only Scripture in which the word “gay” is used:

And ye have respect to him that weareth the gay clothing, and say unto him, Sit thou here in a good place …

James 2:3*

This couple has achieved great results,
just by lip-synching numbers from Evita.

Unfortunately, there are some pretty gay Americans whose clothing isn’t gay at all. You’d pass them on the street and never even know they were gay! You’d think they were accountants, farmers, preachers, soldiers, or husbands of Republican candidates for the Presidency.

Now, how are the rest of us supposed to respect a man who doesn’t wear the gay clothing? Or one who doesn’t know how to accessorize?

A typical room at my federally funded clinic:
If you’re not absolutely dying to redecorate this space, then you probably need to re-gay.

My methods are quite simple, really, relying on time-tested techniques that usually work, I think.** Give a man a Lady Gaga album and a couple of yards of organza, and the miracles commence. For truly intransigent cases, however, I run an internment camp, where interns are taught to camp.

Most re-gays don’t require such extreme therapies, however. They understand that, like so many politicians and preachers before them, they can choose to be gay — or gayer — at any time. The possibilities are endless: in a public restroom, in a bar, in a hotel room with a rent-boy. But whether you choose to be gay or you choose to be Christian — or both — the first step is always the same: Get on your knees and pray for it. Ah, men!

I underscore that there’s nothing hateful about my work. On the contrary, I love the re-gays, as often as possible.

Thank you for giving me this opportunity to clear the record. I hope you’ll support Jib-Jib’s candidacy, even though he’s not yet old enough to take office — after all, a campaign will give him something to do. Idle hands are the Devil’s workshop, don’t you know. And above all, I hope you’ll join my campaign to make America a gayer place, with respect and a good place to sit for all.

One intern’s successful redesign.
Photo by WVM

*NOTE: Italics mine. Even though King James was gay, his Version could stand to be a little gayer, and everybody knows that italics are the glitter and marabou of good English prose.

**Not counting those patients shot while trying to escape.

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The Chalkboard Menace

She only looks innocent:
In reality, she’s coming for your children.

My fellow Americans, our great nation is facing the most serious threat in its long and glorious history, and it is time to sound the call. We must act now, or suffer the consequences. The very fate of the Republic is in our hands.

For generations, my fellow citizens, our land has been infiltrated by a subversive group so cunning and so subtle that we could not suspect their true purpose. Ingeniously, they have striven to sap our vital financial resources, far into the future. Moreover, they preyed on the most innocent and neglected of all Americans: our children. Filling young minds with dangerous ideas about science, mathematics, and history, these people could, at any minute, bring the government to its knees. I speak, of course, of that nefarious network of chalkboard terrorists: schoolteachers.

Who Are They?
Draining the American taxpayer’s wallet, year after year, schoolteachers claimed to seek but little financial reward for their jobs, which is just as well, considering how easy they have it. What is a schoolteacher but a baby-sitter who doesn’t raid your refrigerator and who probably isn’t making out with her boyfriend on your living-room couch when you get home? And how much do you pay a baby-sitter? Consider, too, what short hours teachers work and how many weeks of vacation they get each year.

Instead of high wages now, teachers asked for pensions later — but at what a price? These so-called “pensions” are out of all proportion with a schoolteacher’s salary, and paying them over time could restrict this great nation’s ability to protect the growth of our economy by ensuring that rich people never pay any taxes.

To fight for their so-called entitlements and privileges, many schoolteachers banded together in cells they called “unions.” As you well know, ladies and gentlemen, America has a long and proud tradition of resistance to such organizations, which are and always have been the well-known refuge of Socialists, Communists, Anarchists, and foreigners.

Do I have to spell it out? Schoolteachers want health care. That just shows you what kind of mentality we’re dealing with here.

What Is Our Children Learning?
Meanwhile, the youngest Americans are being brainwashed. Every day, our children are being instructed in basic math skills that might enable them to understand the flaws in our budget proposals on Capitol Hill. By learning so-called “social studies” (or, as I call them, Socialism studies), children may discover that other countries exist, and that they don’t do things the way America does.

Perhaps most alarmingly of all, it’s true that, in a few cities and towns, children are still, despite our best efforts, learning scientific “method,” mathematical “proof,” and historical “analysis” that can only confuse them and cause them to question their leaders.

You Get What You Pay For
We have attempted to combat this menace by using the principles of the free market. We paid teachers so little, we believed that they simply could not afford to continue. As our Founding Fathers wrote in the U.S. Constitution, “Those who can’t earn, teach.” Understandably, we believed that, in time, the few remaining holdouts would reveal themselves, making it easier to eliminate them altogether.

Even after we began the elimination process — starting with art and music teachers, and with school librarians — the enemy tenaciously maintained its position. Not only did incompetent teachers remain, but others did, too. It’s now clear that a broad network of ideological zealots are holding out, ruthless in their pursuit of educating young people.

Modest Proposals
That’s why I’m here to tell you, my fellow Americans, that we aren’t doing enough. Slashing salaries and budgets, laying off personnel and hobbling unions will go only so far to meet our goals of defeating this enemy and enhancing my political prospects in 2012. (After all, if there is anything more alarming than the presence of teachers in our nation’s schools, it is that you never hear anybody say, “What this country needs is Bill Madison in the White House.”)

With these things in mind, I would like to offer the following proposals.

I. The U.S. Department of Education must be abolished; henceforward, all matters pertaining to education must fall under the jurisdiction of the Department of Homeland Security — where they belong!

II. The Educational Offender Act, now before Congress, must be passed. Any persons actively teaching or with a history of engagement in educational activities must be required to register with local law enforcement, and kept under round-the-clock surveillance. Communities must be notified of the presence of educators in their midst, through the use of databases; published announcements in the press and on-line; posters near schools and playgrounds; brochures distributed free of charge to households with young children; and traffic-warning signs at major intersections throughout the land.

III. “Starve the beast” is good policy for bloated state and federal budgets, and it’s good policy for schoolteachers, too. Effectively immediately, all teachers and school administrators must be taxed at the highest possible rate: I propose 99 percent. Let’s put those public salaries back into the hands of you, the people who paid them! This will help to reduce the deficit and to stimulate the economy, and you’ll receive your refund checks just as soon as the current budget crisis is met.

IV. If teachers are so smart, they won’t need books in order to help our children achieve high test scores. Therefore, we must eliminate all textbooks, with the exceptions of the Bible, Tom Bass’ Play Football the NFL Way, and Ayn Rand’s The Fountainhead, which contain all the information children need to know about science, history, and everything else.

V. Finally, I would like to propose that we stop talking about schoolteachers. If we must refer to them, let us call them “bad teachers,” to ensure that each and every one of those lazy, incompetent, low-earning boobs knows exactly what we think of them.

The time to act is upon us, for if we fail, we will live up to the words of Shakespeare’s immortal Henry V, who said, “The fault lies not in our stars, dear Horatio, but in the people who tried to teach us stuff.”

Thank you. God bless America.

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