21 July 2013

Virginia Just as Crazy as Texas or Florida, Officials Say

Gov. Bob McDonnell.

RICHMOND, VA -- Under increasing scrutiny for its lax ethics laws and the revelation that politicians may in many cases legally accept valuable gifts and financial contributions from entities with business before the state, the Commonwealth of Virginia is enjoying a rare moment in the sun, Gov. Bob McDonnell announced at a news conference Friday.

“Let the record show that the Old Dominion State can be just as crazy as Florida or Texas,” McDonnell said. “You’ve got to be tough, you’ve got to be strong, and you’ve got to work hard to compete with those big boys. They’re always in the news, they hog all the headlines, they’re always the ones making the rest of the country say, ‘What’s wrong with those people down there?’ But I’m here to say that Virginia is second to none.”

At the news conference, McDonnell, who is currently under investigation by the FBI and is the subject of an ongoing grand jury probe, unveiled the state’s new mascot, “Grafty, the Trans-Virginial Ultra-Cardinal.”

Grafty the Cardinal will be featured
on road signs and license plates.

“The business of Virginia is other people’s business,” McDonnell said. “To companies in other states, I want to say this: Virginia wants to get all up in your business.”

The Commonwealth’s attorney general, Ken Cuccinelli, a candidate for governor whose finances are also under heightened scrutiny, and who has just been cleared following a three-month probe after failing to disclose $5,100 in gifts, joined McDonnell at the podium.

“Other states may try to restrict abortions or to interfere with sexual relations between consenting adults in private,” Cuccinelli said, “but they’re amateurs compared with Virginia. That’s why I will not rest until I have outlawed oral sex.”

Cuccinelli has gained national recognition in a country where most citizens can’t name the attorney general of their own state, much less any other state. He told reporters, “My motto is, Virginia is for lovers who are legally married and who do it for the purposes of procreating in the dark without touching each other or experiencing any kind of enjoyment.”

McDonnell added, “Let’s see Texas and Florida top that.”

Attorney general Cuccinelli.


Anonymous said...

Ha, ha. Very funny. Can I take this opportunity to share some things about Virginia? Virginia's largest city, Virginia Beach, has some of the most racially integrated neighborhoods I have ever seen. To attend a church service in that town is to sit among an extremely diverse congregation, hundreds of blacks and hundreds of whites singing and praying together, united by their common passions. The same diversity is true of schools, offices, restaurants, and night spots. I have lived most of my life in the Northeast, and I can tell you for a fact that it is hard to find ANY integration in church services, which mirror the neighborhoods in which they take place: Either entirely white or entirely black.

But this inconvenient little fact won't ever find its way into one of your blog posts, will it?

You, sir, are a HOPELESS LIBERAL.

-- Rick, libertarian watchdog reader

RogueElephant said...

Hilarious. And all too true.

William V. Madison said...

I direct your attention to another essay I wrote about Virginia, a few years ago.


Anne said...

Hilarious as always.

Of course I'm not speaking of the political hacks working this mojo for their careers when I say the funny thing is those believing this stuff are not against sex.

The vim and vigor they bring to the subject can only be sexual

They are against loving relationships between consenting adults unfettered and in the open

They are fighting for the right to feel thrillingly dirty and oh so wrong when engaged in their sex of choice ..

Damn you for wanting it in the light! Where's the fun in that?

My tongue is firmly in my cheek...which will be outlawed shortly...then I can enjoy doing it even more in a back ally