16 July 2008

Madison Airlines

Our Motto: The sky is not the limit.

Dear Valued Customer:

Our records indicate that you have flown with our airline one or more times during the past 37 years. Due to rising prices in fuel, as well as other factors affecting the economy in general and the airline industry in particular, we are now compelled to charge you the following additional fees for the trip(s) you took.

Safety Demonstration: $95
If you paid attention: $85
Oxygen mask: $250
If you used it: $1,250

One or more pieces checked luggage:
$50 per bag

One or more pieces carry-on luggage:
$25 per bag

Complimentary peanuts or pretzels:
$25 per bag

Cheery “Bye-bye” from crew:
$25 per Bye

Influenza virus you caught on board:
$500 per bug

Engrossing conversation with seatmate:
$5 per minute

Entertainment fee if she had pictures of her grandchildren:
$75 per photo

Entertainment fee if the pilot pointed out landmarks on left-hand side of the plane:

Entertainment fee if you were seated on the right-hand side of the plane:

Entertainment fee if you were seated in an emergency-exit row:

Entertainment fee if you used an inflatable life-preserver or flotation device in the event of an emergency landing:

Remember how we told you to exercise caution when opening overhead bins? Well, now we’re charging you an
Exercise fee:

Time spent on tarmac awaiting departure:
$50 per minute

Time spent on tarmac awaiting arrival at gate:
$50 per minute

Pilot maintenance: $3,275

Takeoff fee:

Landing fee:

Additional fee if we used wheels (wear and tear):

Additional fee if the plane had wings:

Additional fee if it didn’t:

$750 per unit of psi

In-flight magazine fee (Puzzle not filled in):

In-flight magazine fee (Puzzle filled in):

Cup fee for complimentary beverage of your choice:

Napkin fee for complimentary beverage of your choice:

Landfill fee for disposal of cup and napkin:

Although these women retired in 1973, they (or we) must be paid.
Fee: $2,384.99
(Per attendant? Per flight? We haven’t decided yet.)

At present, we have chosen to waive additional fees for weight allowance (whereby you may be charged $5 per pound if you have ever met anyone weighing more than 150 pounds) and breathing ($75,000 if you’re still doing it; $25,000 if you are deceased). Market factors may require us to charge these fees, and many others, at a later time, without further warning to you or any liability on our part.

Your credit card will be billed automatically. It is our policy that you kindly remain seated with your seatbelt safely fastened and seat-backs and tray-tables in the upright and locked position, until we have come to a full and complete stop of thinking of ways to get more money out of you, and our flight accountants have cross-checked your remaining funds; at this time, our attorneys will give the sign that it is safe to get up and move around your home again.

There is no need for you to verify these charges, to calculate the total amount, or to take any action of any kind. However, if you would like to send us a couple of extra bucks, please do so. We appreciate your promptness, to avoid late fees.

We know you previously had a choice of carriers, and it was our pleasure to serve you on Madison Airlines. We hope you had an enjoyable stay(s) at your final destination(s), and we look forward to charging you again in the future.

Very truly yours,

William V. Madison
Chief Executive Officer
Madison Airlines

“Ranked #134 in Customer Satisfaction by J.D. Power & Associates, 1995”