18 September 2009

New Yorkers to Be Assigned Nannies, Bloomberg Says

[FROM WIRE REPORTS] -- Hot on the heels of numerous measures to require New Yorkers to adopt healthier lifestyles and more civil behavior — while also aiming to boost the city’s beleaguered economy — Mayor Michael R. Bloomberg announced today that, beginning in January, each household will be assigned a live-in nanny.

“Our city’s Finest can’t be expected to police every single New Yorker who’s cigarette-smoking outdoors, eating fatty foods, jaywalking, driving while texting, and honking car horns,” Bloomberg told reporters. “Whereas a nanny can go even further than a police officer can in the pursuit of good health and civility. She’s literally on the beat 24 hours a day.”

Each nanny will be authorized by the city to fine her charges for existing and new infractions, ranging from excessive consumption of alcohol to the use of curse words and playing with one’s food. [See chart below.] Bloomberg anticipated that, during the months of the program’s inception, fines paid will largely cover the cost of nanny salaries.

The nannies, in turn, will pump money into the economy, Bloomberg said, with an expected boom in sales of hairnets, sensible shoes, and The New York Post, for example. “At least for the first several years,” Bloomberg said, “this program truly will pay for itself.

“Over time, however, as New Yorkers grow more accustomed to behaving like little ladies and gentlemen, our revenue will probably have to come from other sources,” Bloomberg conceded, suggesting that a recently proposed tax on use of city sidewalks by vendors, cyclists, motorists and pedestrians might provide significant additional funding.

“Or else I could just pay for the whole thing myself,” the Mayor concluded. “After all, I’m richer than God and I’m going to be Mayor forever.”

Exceeding Recommended Daily Allowance of Bread (1 slice): $150
Exceeding Recommended Daily Allowance of Beer (3.04 oz.): $500
Failure to Keep Eyes to Self in Elevator: $250
Failure to Turn Down that Racket: $500
Failure to Take Our Vitamins: $150
Failure to Sit Up Straight: $100
Failure to Wash Behind Ears: $100
I Don’t Think We Need the Binky Anymore, Do You?: $200
Failure to Remember the Magic Word: $250
Talking with Mouth Full: $300

Courtesy of New York City Mayor’s Office of Courtesy

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