18 February 2010

Today’s Headlines

Elaborate Practical Joke Misfires,
Leading to Terrible Music Video

LOS ANGELES -- “I couldn’t believe these guys were falling for it,” said one eyewitness, who asked to remain anonymous. “I mean, why would anybody want to hear ‘We Are the World’ again? Couldn’t they just look around the room at all these C-Listers — most of whom have no musical talent at all — and figure out the whole thing was a hoax? I mean — Vince Vaughn? In a music video?”

However, when Ashton Kutcher’s car was delayed in traffic for several hours, the Buzzkill camera crew had no choice but to keep rolling. The result was a music video that nobody in his right mind would want to listen to.

If the failed prank does raise any money for Haitian relief efforts, “So much the better, I guess,” said director Paul Haggis (Crash). “And at least by watching the video, people will understand what it feels like to live through a disaster of epic proportions.”


Most Olympic Athletes Can’t Imagine
Why French, Canadians Keep Laughing
During Halfpipe Competition

VANCOUVER -- To the mystification of teams from other nations, French and French-Canadian athletes were observed snickering, smirking and poking each other at any mention of today’s Olympic halfpipe competitions.

“Maybe they’re just exceptionally happy people,” said one cross-country skier, Lars-Erik Nordqvist, of Sweden.

When asked for comment, medal-winning French skier Jason Lamy-Chappuis was unable to respond, except by giggling and elbowing Vincent Jay, a French biathlete, in the ribs.


Study Shows U.S. Congress
30 Percent More Effective
During Snowstorm Closings


Sarkozy Visits Haiti,
Unveils ‘Major Package’

PORT-AU-PRINCE -- Nicolas Sarkozy today became the first French head of state to visit Haiti since that nation won its independence from France in 1804. Sarkozy announced what he described as “a major [relief] package” that, adjusted for inflation, does not quite approach the reparations France demanded and received from its former colony in the early 19th century.

“The president of France is here? Putain! Now I know we’re in trouble,” earthquake survivor Toussaint-Marie Le Bon told a reporter.

“Haven’t we been through enough already?” asked his companion, Marie-Christine Duval.

In a press conference, Sarkozy remarked, “I am extremely proud of the major package I bring to Haiti, and Carla Bruni joins me in expressing her deep satisfaction today.”

UPDATE: Sarkozy briefly interrupted his prepared remarks. “Excuse me — I must adjust my package for inflation. There. What a relief. Let us proceed.”


Film Director, ‘Too Fat,’ Removed from Plane

FROM WIRE REPORTS -- “This proves that Kevin Smith is the Orson Welles of our time,” critic Roger Ebert told reporters.


Retiring Senator Decries Lack of Bayh-Partisanship


Area Burglar Surprised to Learn
Obama As Bad As People Say He Is

WASHINGTON -- Vic Fesenzac, a local burglar and father of two, told reporters yesterday he was surprised to learn during a break-in at the White House this week that, despite the outrageousness of many claims made in recent months, President Barack Obama’s fiercest critics are telling the truth. “If anything, they’re going easy on the guy,” Fesenzac said.

“It turns out he really is bent on the destruction of the American Way of Life,” the 44-year-old thief revealed during a televised press conference at a Washington police station. “He’s got the whole thing mapped out in this briefing book, sitting right there on a coffee table in the Private Residence, where anybody could see it!”

“Higher taxes, nationalized industries, socialized health care for illegal immigrants, pulling the plug on old people, the suspension of gun rights, brainwashing schoolchildren, surrendering to terrorists,” Fesenzac elaborated. “It’s really as if President Obama won the election simply in order to bring down the nation.”

According to the White House, the President himself apprehended the alleged sneakthief upon emerging from the shower. Wrapped only in a towel, the President proceeded to strike him with a golf club while shouting racial epithets, Fesenzac said, until Secret Service agents arrived on the scene.

“I don’t know how he could tell I was white,” Fesenzac said, “since I was wearing a ski mask and gloves. Maybe he just assumes that anyone committing a crime must be a honky.”

“You’d be amazed how much he truly, deeply hates white people,” Fesenzac observed, going on to reveal what he described as Obama’s previously secret plans to redistribute most property below the Mason–Dixon Line, and eventually to bomb Denmark, which he says the President apparently considers “too white.”

“I’m telling you, Glenn Beck doesn’t know the half of it,” Fesenzac said.

A professional burglar for most of his adult life, Fesenzac told reporters he hadn’t originally set out to break into the White House, but he was on vacation in Washington, “and it seemed like a good idea at the time.” He continued, “When you reach a certain point in your life, you need to set goals and career challenges for yourself.”

White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs confirmed that Fesenzac was apprehended in the Private Residence at approximately 11:35 PM yesterday, but he refused to comment on the substance of the alleged prowler’s story.

Fesenzac showed reporters a number of corroborating documents, which he claims to have discovered during the course of the burglary, including the President’s Kenyan birth certificate and French passport.

“You’ve got to believe me,” the alleged White House-breaker said, in an emotional appeal to reporters. “Death panels — reeducation camps — solar-powered cars — they’re coming! Obama really is a committed Marxist–Stalinist foreign Antichrist who seeks America’s doom! You’ve got to believe me! You’ve got to believe!”

“Also, he really does have a Hitler moustache, but not where you’d expect.”

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