11 March 2010

Thinner Than Thou

Eat every supper as if it were your last!

Did you know that 9 out of 10 fat people go to Hell? It’s a proven medical fact: truly virtuous people simply don’t get fat. After many years of study at the Madison Institute for Superior Righteousness in Waco, Texas, I’m pleased to announce my new, Bible-based program of diet and exorcise, Thinner Than Thou©, to put you on the fasting track to a leaner, purer you.

Ready to break out of your Binge-and-Purgatory? Here’s an overview of how Thinner Than Thou© can work for you.

Phase I:
What Would Jesus Eat?

Have you ever seen a chubby Jesus? Of course not! He was without sin — and gluttony is a sin. So why not begin each meal by asking yourself, “WWJE?” I’ll share my award-winning, step-by-step recipes for Holy Hummus® and Saint Pita Bread®, Humble Piety® — and, for home entertaining on a budget, I’ll show you how to make Loaves and Fishes Surprise® — always a crowd-pleaser.

Jesus: Did not want fries with that.

Phase II:
Get Thee Behind Me, Sara Lee.

The Diet of Worms was all well and good for Martin Luther — and it will work for you, too! You’re ready for the next step in Reforming your eating habits. So tuck into your grub: in just a matter of days, you won’t even be tempted to overeat or to snack between meals — ever again!

Phase III:
Fitness and Exorcise.

Cast out those calories with my rigorous program of Muscular Christianity® — and take possession of a fitter you! With my free bonus DVD, you’ll quickly master a heart- and Bible-pounding routine of Proselytisthenics®, including Aerobic Genuflection, Full-Cardio Immersion, Strength Shunning, and Holy Rolling.

Advanced Thermodemonic Physics:
The calorie is a measure of heat. Hell is very hot.
Ergo, Hell is full of calories. Need I say more?

Phase IV:
Give Up Dessert — And Take Up Desert!

Advanced students may enroll in our intensive Hermitage Spa Retreat®. You’ll live alone in the wilderness for 40 years, subsisting on prayer and the occasional glass of water. Banish hunger, along with most other conscious activity, while whittling away those impious pounds and inches. The wasteland will work wonders on your waistline!

Phase V:
Revelation: Skinniness Is Next To Godliness.

By now you’re looking like an El Greco saint — but that’s not good enough! After all, what’s the fun of a trim new physique if you can’t look down on others and make them feel bad? That’s not pride you’re feeling — it’s the desire to help others by showing them, as forcefully and as frequently as possible, the sinful error of their fat, disgusting, unhealthy, ungodly ways! As a newly ordained Madison Missionary®, you’ll go forth to spread the tidings of joy, whether or not anyone wants to listen.

John the Baptist as an Adult:
Could still fit into the hair shirt he wore in high school.

Special Offer: Act today, and you’ll receive, at no added cost, a full month’s supply of Bran-Again Breakfast Cereal®, high in fiber and low in temptation! It’s a New Rapture in Regularity!™ Operators are standing by to receive your calling now!


Jean said...

You are a hoot, Mr. Madison!

Girl From Texas said...

Brilliant !