20 December 2010

Your Constant Gaying Is Totally Ruining the Second Coming for the Rest of Us

This banner might as well read:
“Hello! We’re Going To Be Left Behind!”

Dear Godless Brothers and Sisters:

Well, I hope you are happy. You have just gotten the repeal you wanted so much, and “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” is about to become a thing of the past. But not in the direction we wanted, which was of course “Don‘t Enlist, Don‘t Exist.” Instead, you have just pushed us that much farther from the return of our Lord and Savior. Really, I hope you’re pleased with yourselves.

Gays in the military:
Next thing you know, we’ll see sailors singing show tunes!
Leading inevitably to …

Next up, you’re going to want to get married — married! Folks, there’s a reason Jesus chose a wedding as the occasion to perform His first miracle, and I guarantee you, it was a heterosexual wedding, and a heterosexual miracle, even though He was effectively catering the affair. It was not the wedding of Adam and Steve. (My goodness, if He had turned the water to wine at a gay marriage, they’d probably have complained about the vintage!)

… cross-dressing sailors who sing show tunes.

You keep saying to me, “Why does my gaying obsess you? What difference does it make to you if we gay-marry? We’re not forcing you to gay-marry! Other countries allow homosexuals to serve in the armed forces; why shouldn’t the United States of America?”

As a good Christian, I feel great compassion for you, even though you are sinful and wrong. That’s why I’m going to try one last time to explain to you why it is my business; why I cannot support your having equal rights with Christians; and why I need for you to stop gaying right now.

This is not normal! Stop it! Jesus is watching!

It’s probably futile, I realize. After all, you cannot be reasoned with — otherwise, you would have accepted the only true reason, which is consistent with Scripture. Which, needless to say, is totally consistent with the U.S. Constitution, but inconsistent with gaying like yours.

So why am I even bothering to write to you today? Because I believe in miracles! (Heterosexual, of course.) Maybe you will see the light, after all.

It’s really very simple. If we don’t behave ourselves now, then Jesus won’t come back.

Recruiting Poster? No!
There is absolutely no room for homosexuality in Christian life.

After all, Jesus wants us to be perfect. All of us, including you. And gaying is not perfect; it is a sin. So long as any single one of us sins, He’s going to keep on waiting. That means that, every time you gay, you are postponing the Rapture and depriving me of my promised seat at the right hand of God in the New Jerusalem. Do you realize what a downer that is to me?

Yes, you say, but we live in the United States of America, where there is Separation of Church and State. And I agree: thank God for that! But there is such a thing as a little too much separation, and when the State is preventing the Church from getting into Heaven — well, you just have to draw a line.

Still more gay art! It’s everywhere I look!
If this painting were in the Smithsonian, we would have to demand
its immediate removal.

So please don’t make me stop you from gaying. Do what I do, which is to wake up every morning asking What Jesus Would Do. And then I do it. So should you.

Jesus did not gay. He was a long-haired mama’s boy who hung out with other confirmed bachelors in dresses, He sometimes worked in catering (besides that wine, there were those loaves and fishes, too), and His best friend was a woman with a shady sex life — but there was absolutely nothing gay about Him!

(Frankly, I can’t tell which is the Antichrist and which is the Whore of Babylon.)

If you will just stop gaying, then I can get back to more important policy questions, such as making sure that Armageddon starts in Israel within my lifetime.

Just remember: Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell, Don’t Gay.

Thank you.

Totally not gay!
And doesn’t it look like fun? What are you waiting for?


www.roberthkeller.com said...

Gaying is overrated anyway. I say, whenever you're feeling like you might be tempted to go out and do some gaying, first take a cold shower, then make yourself a cup of ginger tea, then sit back and read the Bible while listening to a Susan Boyle CD, preferably her latest (Christmas) album. You'll never feel like gaying again.

Jonathan said...

Brilliant! This is something I wish I'd thought of writing.

Michael Leddy said...

Bill, this post is hilarious. Thank you for brightening the Internets with it.

Daniel James Shigo said...

Michelle inspired, no doubt, and augh out loud funny!

William V. Madison said...

Thanks! And I hope you meant "laugh" and not to quote Charlie Brown's memorable "Augh!"

The essay is old enough that it draws most of its inspiration from the failed Senate candidate from Nevada, Sharron Angle, who made a conscious attempt to convey through her language that she really believes this stuff -- hoping to attract like-minded voters.

Daniel James Shigo said...

I believe I put the L for 'loud' in Michele's name. (eyes rolling)