19 January 2011

Study: Cheese Good, Experts Say

According to a study released today, cheese is good, being both tasty and delicious, as well as filling, when consumed in generous amounts over an extended period of time.

“The benefits of cheese are clear,” said Dr. Jane Fondue, senior director of the Camemburger-Limbert Foundation for Advanced Studies in Raclette, Wisconsin. “A well-made cheese can provide the consumer with flavor and satisfaction, these being the twin measures of goodness we have identified through years of scientific research in our laboratories.”

Over a period of seven years, test subjects were fed a variety of different cheeses, including gruyère, bleu d’Auvergne, bûcheron, and morbier; while in a parallel test, blindfolded participants were fed chalk, paste, and small pebbles. Results showed overwhelmingly that cheese is better than all the control substances used in testing.

(A related report will be released later this month, showing that, following the initial test, subjects refuse to put anything in their mouths so long as they are wearing blindfolds.)

“I love cheese, because it is good,” one test subject, Konrad Will, told the Camemburger-Limbert researchers. “It is versatile, as well, since it can be eaten fresh or aged, and it can also be melted, whether by grilling, baking, or in a fondue dish. Also, cheese is good with a glass of wine.”

According to the data compiled in the study, this is a statistically good thing.

“Our findings show that cheese is good almost by definition, and it is especially good when it comes from foreign countries, such as France,” continued another participating researcher, Dr. Jonathan Feldstein. “The same cannot be said of small pebbles, for example, whether they are domestic or imported.”

However, he observed that some possible responses to the study’s findings remain controversial among other scientists and policy-makers.

“Ultimately, the goodness of European cheese may not lead to a significant change in U.S. foreign policy,” agreed Dr. Mark Dennis of the rival Livarot-Mongering Institute. “Moreover, certain health benefits of cheese are still currently debated, except in comparison with consuming large quantities of chalk, which clearly is not as good as cheese.

“Nevertheless, we cannot escape the indisputable scientific fact that I would like another piece of cheese.”

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