03 March 2012

Oh, Good Lord, Is This Thing Turned On?

By Rush Limbaugh,
Guest Columnist

Oh, good Lord, is this thing turned on? Oh, wow, this is really embarrassing! I can’t believe people actually heard me say that! I mean, I was just running off at the mouth, just shooting the breeze, killing time. People are going to think I really meant what I just said, aren’t they? Oh, Lord.

It’s a microphone, for mercy’s sakes! Why didn’t anybody warn me? Are you telling me that when that little red light is on, people outside this room can hear everything I say? Like, way outside this room? Like in other towns? Oh, wow. I feel just terrible.

You’d think I’d know after all these years when there’s a microphone in my office, and when it’s on and when it’s not. So that’s another source of embarrassment. Great. This day is turning out to be a catastrophe, let me tell you. Great.

This is nearly as humiliating as the time I peed my pants when I was in elementary — hey, wait, it’s not still on, is it? Oh, Lord.

Oh, Lord. I’m gonna lose a buttload of advertisers, I can tell — oh, no! Did I just say “buttload”? There goes the Chick-fil-A account!

Maybe I need to go for a little walk, just to calm down. What do you mean, I can’t? Are you telling me I’m still on the air? And I’ve got to keep talking for how long? Oh, Lord! How can anybody just talk like that, day after day?

Why can’t we get a bigger red light? Could we do that? So there’d be no way I could miss it — no way I could go around saying incredibly stupid things that make me look like a mean-spirited idiot. You know? Is that so much to ask?

I’m really a very nice person, when you get to know me. But I must sound just like a typical woman, you know, a really crabby woman who’s having her period or something. I’m just blabbing on and on and — oh, no! It’s still on, isn’t it?

This is a nightmare! I can’t keep making these stupid mistakes! You’ve got to stop me! Please, somebody help me before I fuck up ag — oh, no!

Oh, good Lord.

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