13 January 2013

U.S. Government to Be No Fun at All in 2013

No, you can’t have one.

WASHINGTON, DC -- The United States government will be no fun in 2013, the totally unfair and mean old White House confirmed on Friday, after rejecting one petition to allow several states to secede from the Union and another to authorize immediate construction of a Death Star. On the White House website, “We the People” petitions obtaining more than 25,000 signatures within a one-month period are guaranteed a response that is virtually certain to throw a wet blanket over public enthusiasm of any kind, and just generally take all the thrill out of everything.

I’ll bet other governments let their states secede if they want.

These were not the only spoilsport responses from the “Bummer” Obama Administration, announced late Friday both to avoid scrutiny from news media and also to ruin everybody’s weekend. Here are some others:

Actor Taylor Lautner will not be named U.S. Secretary of Awesome.

Carly Rae Jepsen’s “Call Me Maybe” will not be declared the U.S. National Anthem.

The United States Cavalry will not be issued unicorns.

Charlie Sheen will not be required to return to the cast of Two and a Half Men, so we are stuck with Ashton Kutcher.

The 113th Congress will not be deported. At least, for the time being.

People who give away plot spoilers for Season 3 of Downton Abbey will not be prosecuted for treason.

President Obama will not sign an executive order requiring the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences to add Ben Affleck’s name to the list of nominees for Best Director at this year’s Oscars ceremony.

The U.S. Treasury will not mint a $1 trillion platinum coin, and even if it did, you couldn’t have it.


Randy said...

I have to say, though, the response that was sent out regarding the Death Star petition was very entertaining while at the same time educating the public (or at least a niche subculture) about the government's priorities regarding the space program. I was quite impressed with how inspiring the writer could be while saying "No."

William V. Madison said...

The response to the Death Star petition was terrific.

But we still don't get to have our own Death Star, darn it.