13 March 2013

Church Hires Latin-American Immigrant to Clean Up Messes

At least he’ll get health insurance.

VATICAN CITY -- With a puff of white smoke, Latin-American man Jorge Maria Bergoglio, 76, was given the least-desirable job in the world Wednesday when he was elected Bishop of Rome and leader of the worldwide Catholic Church. In his new position, Bergoglio, who has chosen the name Francis, will have to wear a dress and a funny-looking hat while coping with numerous sex and financial scandals as the head of a church that often finds itself out of step with modern times.

“Sure, we’d like to have found another white European male for the job, in keeping with a centuries-old tradition,” said one Italian cardinal, who spoke on condition of anonymity due to pending court action. “But frankly, there aren’t enough of them — and they’re so expensive! We took the advice of our ex-pope, followed German policy, and opted for a guest worker from Latin America.”

Bergoglio’s hopes of being overlooked were dashed, despite rising expectations when he misunderstood the announcement “Habemas Papam” to be a reference to German philosopher Jürgen Habermas, “an excellent, forward-looking choice for the job,” according to the Argentine native; and cheers of “Viva il Papa,” which turned out not to refer to Warhol Superstar Viva, “who would have been controversial in some respects, but altogether very capable.”

Shortly after being named pope, Francis was handed a red-bound binder detailing the activities of the long-rumored “gay cabal” within the Vatican. Beginning immediately after breakfast tomorrow, he will confront the ongoing child-abuse scandal within the priesthood, while also attempting to reform the Vatican Bank and apologizing for his predecessor’s frequent, apparently inadvertent insults and offenses directed towards Muslims, Jews, nuns and other women, and homosexuals, among many others.

“Good night, and sleep well,” Francis told the crowds assembled in St. Peter’s Square. “God knows I won’t,” he added, under his breath.


Lamppost007 said...

Love it Bill! Keep uo the good work.

Anne said...

This is hilarious and as fine an example of sardonic humor as one can find. The headline alone is gold and the play on words terrfic!

But let me just say when a franchise is done, it is give to a woman, a black guy or a hispanic.

Of course I am not saying such individuals cannot do the job.
I'm saying when a job is no longer viable it is given to such folk to hold the bag. imo