13 April 2014

Campbell Moves to Disband San Diego Padres

SAN DIEGO -- Ian Campbell, named Manager and General Manager of the San Diego Padres baseball team just days ago, today announced that the team will disband, immediately following Sunday’s game against the San Francisco Giants at Petco Park.

Campbell cited the team’s “failure to win the World Series, the rising cost of the highest-quality hot dogs at our concession stands, and our inability to field such top-ranking names as Babe Ruth and Willie Mays, even at top prices” as the reasons that made it “necessary to shut down this team now, with dignity.”

“If Ian says we need to stop playing, then I guess we need to stop playing,” said Padres co-owner Peter O’Malley. “This is our only option.”

“I mean, he’s a smart guy,” added the team’s other owner, Ron Fowler. “Ian knows what he’s talking about. This is our only option.”

The Swinging Padre, lone dissenter:
“I have questions.”

Founded in 1969, the Padres are one of only two Major League Baseball teams in California to have originated in the state. San Diego Hall of Famers include Tony Gwynn and Dave Winfield.

Campbell, who recently pushed through the closing of San Diego Opera, receives a dual salary for his jobs as Manager and General Manager of the Padres, an unusual double assignment in Major League Baseball. He is expected to receive $500 million in severance over the next 43 years, despite the team’s shutdown.

“I really didn’t see this coming,” Padres fan Teresa Rinteria said of the closing. “But Ian is a smart guy. He knows what he’s talking about. This is our only option.”

“Ian is a smart guy,” said outfielder Will Venable. “I didn’t see this coming, but he knows what he’s talking about. I — must resist! The — can’t — pain! I mean, this is our only option.”

“We knew the problem was coming,” Campbell said, also citing declining sales in solid-gold tickets and caviar nachos, the loss of a lucrative potential contract with a television network on Jupiter, and dwindling attendance at “Free Foam Finger” games, at which fans’ hands were splattered with a frothy brown mixture of undetermined origin.

“We all did what we could,” Campbell said. “These are the cold, hard facts rather than emotions.”

“I know what I’m talking about,” he added. “This is our only option. Look deep into my eyes. This is our only option.”

Campbell with his ex-wife, Ann Spira Campbell,
who is also employed by the Padres as a batboy.

1 comment:

Anne said...

If something is not a sport or cannot be reduced to third world status, it's killed

They are such bastards

“But Ian is a smart guy. He knows what he’s talking about. This is our only option.”

They are such cheap bastards, they stint on decent writers for their lies. The lies were better in my day