23 July 2014

Warner Bros. to Reboot ‘Gilmore Girls’

Life is short. Shoot fast.

LOS ANGELES -- Ending years of will-they-won’t-they speculation, Warner Bros. today announced that, yes, there will be a Gilmore Girls movie — but this ain’t gonna be your mother’s Gilmore Girls.

“We believe that audiences are ready for a new generation of Gilmore Girls,” director J.J. Abrams said at a press conference this morning. “It’s time to pull back the curtain and reveal the origins of Lorelai and Rory, the backstory that brought them to Stars Hollow — but following an alternative timeline that will allow us to keep the characters fresh and exciting.

“Obviously, we’re hoping for a franchise here,” Abrams added. “I can see this thing going into seven blockbuster sequels, at least.”

Scarlett Johansson as Lorelai Gilmore.

Running from 2000–07, the television series Gilmore Girls depicted a fast-talking single mother and her bookish daughter, along with their relatives, boyfriends, and neighbors. It starred Lauren Graham and Alexis Bledel.

Gilmore: Origins will focus on patriarch Richard Gilmore’s mysterious past as a CIA operative: when the state of Connecticut is threatened by an alien race of gigantic killer robots, he’s called back into action, training the townsfolk for a battle that could mean the end not only of Stars Hollow but of civilization as we know it.

“What really drew people to the show wasn’t the subtly nuanced relationships, the quirky comedy, or the ups and downs of Lorelai’s love life,” Abrams said, admitting that he wasn’t a fan of the original show. “Ultimately, it was all about the robots.”

Series creator Amy Sherman-Palladino could not be reached for comment after security guards escorted her out of the press conference. Casting has been announced for all the film’s major roles, and production is expected to begin in September. Details follow below.

Kristen Stewart as Rory Gilmore.

Mark Wahlberg as Luke Danes.
Laid-back Luke leaps into action when his long-lost daughter, April, is among the first to be killed by robots.

Sandra Bullock as knife-wielding Sookie St. James.
She can stand The Heat — but she’s getting out of the kitchen.

Emma Stone as Lane Kim.
Lovable Lane just doesn’t understand her super-strict Korean mother.
“We’re thinking probably Sandra Oh as Mrs. Kim,” Abrams said, “because there are no other Asian actresses in Hollywood. Oh, maybe Lucy Liu. Or Margaret Cho. Or John Cho. John could do this.”

Gwyneth Paltrow as pushy know-it-all Paris Geller.

Johnny Depp as Michel Gerard.
“He’s a lot more French than Yanic Truesdale!” Abrams explained.

Zac Efron as Dean Forester.
Even in an alternate timeline, Dean needs good hair.

Justin Bieber as misunderstood bad boy Jess Mariano.

Robert Downey, Jr., as mysterious multimillionaire
Logan Huntzberger.

Joseph Gordon-Levitt as well-meaning Christopher Hayden.
Christopher is shocked to learn that his first wife, Sherry, is actually a killer robot from space.

James Franco as eccentric Jason “Digger” Stiles.

Keira Knightley as Miss Patty.
“Remind me to tell you about Tito Puente,” Knightley told reporters, “as soon as I find out who Tito Puente is.”

Zachary Quinto as Taylor Doose.
“We’re hoping to reveal more about Taylor’s private life,”
Abrams said.

Cameron Diaz as Babette.
When the robots go for her cats, Babette goes for her gat, and you can bet there’ll be axle grease coming out of their ying-yangs.

Asia Argento as Gypsy.
Because not even Gypsy can put those robots back together again, once Stars Hollow is finished with them.
“We wanted someone exotic,” Abrams said, “and I can’t understand what the hell she’s saying anyway.”

Dwayne Johnson as Jackson Belleville.
In the film, he'll be a specialist in weapons, not vegetables.

Channing Tatum as intrepid, resourceful Kirk Gleason.

Meryl Streep as Emily Gilmore.
“There is simply no actress better suited to this role,” Abrams said. “Besides, Sharon Stone was unavailable.”

Special Appearance by Edward Herrmann as Richard.


Anonymous said...

NONONONONO i love the original. no one can play those characters with any justice, the only one that will be any good will be Edward Herrmann. Don't get me wrong i love some of the actors but NO NO NO NO NO NO NO

Anonymous said...

This is so fake and completely made up