02 October 2014

Area Woman Just Wishes People Would Stop Talking About Her

In happier times: Mrs. Lawson says her weekly bridge game has been cancelled. “I thought those girls were my friends,” she says. “It’s times like these when you find out what people are really made of.”

SPRINGFIELD -- For the past few weeks, her life has become unbearable, she says. She can’t pick up a newspaper or magazine, turn on the television or radio, or go to the grocery store without hearing her name spoken — often by total strangers — in the most horrifying and scandalous terms.

“I have done nothing to deserve this,” Ebola Mae Lawson says. “You don’t know me. You haven’t lived my life. Mind your own business, why don’t you?” She’s cancelled her subscriptions, no longer listens to the news, and runs whenever she hears her name called — but the whispering continues.

“It’s Ebola this, Ebola that, everywhere I turn,” she says. “I tried not to pay any attention, but I’m turning into a nervous wreck. Who are these people?”

Mrs. Lawson is most disturbed by accusations that she is somehow targeting children. “I raised three boys,” she says, “but that chapter of my life is over. I have no interest in your children, and I am not coming to get them. What ever put that fool idea into your head?”

She’s also baffled by suggestions that she is somehow in league with President Obama. “I never met the man,” she says. “I didn’t even vote for him.”

“This is really ruining Ebola’s life, but she’d better get used to it,” says her cousin, Chlamydia Wilkes. “I’ve had to put up with this kind of nonsense for years.”

No comments: