13 September 2007

Craig’s Wife

Shhh, don't tell: Secrets of a successful marriage

Honestly, girls, it’s about time you stopped complaining about your husbands! I realize that I’ve got an ideal marriage, but Jiminy! If you’d just learn a few tricks from my man, you’d see how gay wedded life can be!

Some people might think it’s a trial, being married to such a big, strong, heterosexual he-man type fellow. Even I was a little put off when I first got a glimpse of his wide stance. But Larry is a dream. Some husbands may insist on a three-course meal at suppertime, but nothing sets Larry's mouth watering faster than a big juicy wiener on a steaming hot bun! You won't see me bending over the stove all afternoon long — not for my man!

And Larry really goes out of his way for me. Just look at the helpful hints he gives me every morning when I’m getting dressed! He picks out all my outfits and accessories, down to the shoes. And if you think he’s a treasure in the closet, why, you should just see him elsewhere around the house!

Sometimes he helps with the laundry. Small loads, he says, are best taken care of by hand, and he wants to spare me the bother. Isn’t he the sweetest? He’s a wonder with the Hoover, too, and nothing can stop him from sucking up all kinds of scum.

But Larry really knows his way around the bathroom. How often I find him down on his knees, making sure everything is spick and span! Even the rim just sparkles — in every john! (Pardon my French.) And it’s not only our bathroom that he takes care of — Larry is such a good citizen that he takes care of public restrooms, too. You may think that your husband would never do such a thing, but Larry assures me that he has no trouble finding other men who like to give the old joint a good spit polish. Quicker than you can tap your toe, the job is done!

Even the closest couples need a little time to themselves; that’s why Larry thinks it’s important to take separate vacations from time to time, every few weeks. Why, he’s a one-man cruising industry! That’s a challenge, when you live in a land-locked state like Idaho, but he’s always popping off to the airport.

No need to bake, girls: Tell your man to go out
and pick up his own muffins!

Just to be sure he doesn't get lonely on his travels, sometimes Larry brings along his good friend, Pastor Haggard. Together, they've been to so many exotic places: Palm Springs, Miami, Ibiza, San Francisco, Fire Island, Brazil, camping trips to Wyoming.... I'd love to come, too, but you know how it is! There's just so much to do around the house. I wouldn't mind if they brought back a few pictures, but somehow they always forget the camera. I shouldn't complain — sometimes they even forget to pack a change of clothing!

Now, some wives might get jealous, thinking about all the exotic women their husbands must encounter, but I don't worry. Pastor Haggard is a man of the cloth, after all, and I know Larry is in good hands. He'll stick to the straight and narrow.

Of course, every couple has its worries, and we have ours. To put it plainly, Larry is just so gosh-darned attractive that other men are constantly propositioning him. Everybody knows that Larry’s not gay, and he’ll be the first one to tell you so. But even so, he practically has to beat them off with his stick before they’ll believe him: he’s really not gay. Larry even hires male prostitutes, hoping they’ll spread it around the rest of the gay community. That’s expensive, but a man’s gotta do what a man’s gotta do. Right, girls? Eventually, maybe those gays will get the message, and leave poor Larry alone.

Sometimes I feel sorry for all you girls, because I know your marriages aren’t as successful as mine. But the ones I really feel sorry for are those gay people. They’ll never understand that the only true happiness is the one between a husband and a wife, just as God and the Constitution intended. Didn't you folks learn anything from that cowboy movie last year? They didn't win the best-picture Oscar, and neither will you — so get with the program — my way