10 October 2007

From Our Catalogue

Your child will have minutes of fun in our exclusive Li’l Princess Playhouse. 440 rooms, 365 fireplaces, 84 staircases, on a 13K-acre lot. Servants not included.
(Not recommended for children under $3 billion)

Playhouse #44213423

Got kids? Got too much money? Sure — we all do! That’s why I’m pleased to bring you the following selections from the Poshly Despotic Tots catalogue, offering the most extraordinary children’s world in playthings. Because why would you want to spend your money on someone who actually needs it?

For the boys: Our Offshore Holdings Play Fort
is sure to inspire dreams of pirate adventure,
buried treasure, and secret money-laundering corporate investments.

Playhouse #59058345.


The experts agree: conventional coloring books only stifle a child’s creativity. But an authentic original Rembrandt etching? Now you’re talking creative! Get your crayons and fingerpaints ready! Catalogue #980984
Nobody likes to give endless piggy-back rides. But as your child will gladly tell you, it’s not a request, it’s an order! Our exclusive Piggy-Back Slave obeys and obeys and obeys. Takes a beating and keeps on obeying. (Battery may be required) Catalogue #908520985
Is your child bored with the sort of ho-hum, run-of-the-mill, everyday dollie that any parent could afford? Poshly Despotic Tots has the answer! Just look at our exclusive Fashion Maria Doll. Exquisitely hand-crafted from a unique gold–platinum alloy, Maria moves and insinuates herself into any labor union — with uproarious results! Perfect at bedtime, Maria will have a monopoly on your Princess’ affections, and her bullet-proof breast will remind any little girl of Mummy’s more or less fond embrace. Catalogue #2330980
Boys today love action figures, and Poshly Despotic Tots has the best! It’s never too soon to start buying and collecting politicians, and nowadays Republicans have never been cheaper — the perfect opportunity for your heir’s Action Figure Starter Set! Available in talking models, too, that are programmed to amuse your child with countless classic fairy tales: “We’ll be greeted as liberators”; “Mission Accomplished”; “We don’t torture,” and many more! He may be a figure of action, but you get to be the Decider! (Bribes — er, “campaign contributions” — not included.) Catalogue #9249-R
For your youngest dependents, our new Tickle Me Shlomo doll delivers top dividends! Tickle him, he laughs; prick him, he bleeds. What’s our amazing hi-tech secret? No secret, actually. Shlomo’s not really a doll at all. We just picked up some old Jew in the street. We can get another for you, easy. We know somebody in the trade. Catalogue #3240450
Another great plaything is this beautiful piece of Bric-à-Brac. We don’t know what your kids will do with it. Who cares? The perfect conversation piece at your next tea party. Catalogue #5645908
And speaking of parties, what would a children’s party be without a piñata? Poshly Despotic Tots has a wide selection of outstanding Piñatas. (Subject to availability) Catalogue #777439
Call now to order — and remember, if you have to ask, you can’t afford us! Happy shopping!