10 October 2007

My Job Is Pure Torture!

Hard Szell: Putting the Vice in Vice-Presidency

It’s a no-brainer: when you’ve got a high-powered job, you need to unwind every now and then. Now, I’m not complaining — in fact, I’m not even disclosing exactly what I do, how I do it or where, or whom I talk to. But it’s a tough job, being leader of the Leader of the Free World, and I’ve made it even tougher by taking on all sorts of extra duties and additional, unconstitutional powers. Some days, I don’t even know whether I’m part of any branch of the government! But that doesn’t stop me — that’s just the kind of guy I am. When I was younger, and the country was stuck in a different quagmire, maybe I had other priorities. But today, every day, I roll up my sleeves and do the work that other men would refuse to do.

Everybody needs a hobby.

And at the end of a long day, I like to unwind. Is it safe? Who cares! A man needs a hobby, and I’m not about to let the Congress, the courts, the Constitution, the Red Cross, or anybody else tell me how to go about it.

A good, relaxing hobby requires patience and dedication, and a willingness to stay up long hours in the basement holding another man’s head under water. It requires a wide variety of heavy-metal music to stay awake for days, and the skillful application of electrodes to the testicles. (Not my own, of course! What do you think, I’m kinky or something? Though sometimes I do let my dogs get in on the act.)

And I’m not the only one with a hobby. In fact, we’re thinking of holding a little convention next year, in Geneva. (Just kidding. Everybody knows that Geneva conventions are worthless.)

Some people may think this sounds a little extreme, but take my word for it — no matter how you define it, there’s nothing illegal about what I do. And even if there is something illegal, the President already pardoned us in advance! What a country!