15 December 2008

The Blagojevich Defense

SPRINGFIELD, IL — Details recently made public in the corruption case against Illinois governor Rod R. Blagojevich have shocked many Americans. Accused of scheming to trade an appointment to the U.S. Senate for money and other favors, Blagojevich is heard on surveillance tapes to make statements with breathtaking disregard for law and propriety. His language is especially foul, an epithet-laden vernacular more often associated with the gutter than with the statehouse. Yet that language may prove central to the Governor’s defense, say legal experts.

“It all boils down to the Constitution and the separation of powers,” explains Dusan “The Enforcer” Sonovavich, a prominent Chicago attorney. “You got your legislative branch, your judicial branch, and your expletive branch. If the chief expletive of the State of Illinois does something, it ain’t [expletive] illegal, and ain’t nobody from the judicial branch gonna do a [expletive] thing about it. You can’t stop an expletive from carrying out his official duties. You can’t do jack [expletive].”

According to Sonovavich and other legal scholars, Blagojevich’s best bet will be to plea not guilty by reason of profanity.

“Juries have a long precedent for overlooking this kind of [expletive],” agrees Alberta Manicotto, a professor at the Wacker School of Law & Automotive Repair. “They understand that this is the normal way of doing business in the State of Illi [expletive] nois. Juries [expletive] love this stuff. And the ones that don’t want to play along — you don’t hear much from them anymore, do you, you [expletive] [expletive] [expletive] little [expletive]?”

A spokeswoman for Blagojevich confirmed that the Governor has no intention of resigning, and that he is looking forward to carrying out his duties, including appointing a new U.S. Senator, vetoing any attempt by the Illinois General Assembly to remove him from office, and [expletive] his wife, as usual.

However, Blagojevich is open to taking a leave of absence, if Fran and Barry Weissler will put him into the national company of Chicago for four weeks. “Not as Billy Flynn,” the spokeswoman said. “He wants to play Velma. He’s got great [expletive] legs and a great [expletive]. He’s sitting on a [expletive] goldmine here.”

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Hilarious and wonderful as usual. And right on!

Darren K. Woods