31 December 2008

Exit Interview

In a wide-ranging interview with this blogger, George W. Bush revealed today that he is black, and thus the first non-Caucasian President of the United States.

“I accept that, in the long run, I’m probably not going to get much credit for the stuff that I’ve done,” Bush told this reporter. “That’s the way this game is played, this history business. And I’m comfortable with that. But I’m not going to sit around while people say Barack Obama is going to be our first black President. I’m the one who broke the color line, and I want credit for that.”

President Bush has conducted a number of interviews in recent weeks, as well as giving several retrospective speeches, all designed to define his legacy as he leaves office. He has portrayed himself as a man of unyielding principle, who launched a just war in Iraq and who made “compassionate conservatism” the political philosophy of his eight-year administration. This is the first time he has admitted negritude.

Moreover, Bush says he is blacker than President-elect Obama. “His mother was a white woman. You can’t say that about either of my parents,” the President said. “I’m 100 percent African.”

Natural rhythm

Asked to square that assertion with the fact that his father was President, yet not the first non-Caucasian to hold that office, Bush explained that his mother, former First Lady Barbara Bush, had a brief affair with the family chauffeur during the early years of her marriage to George H.W. Bush.

“We kept it hushed up because Whitie didn’t want the scandal,” President Bush said, using a family nickname for the senior Bush, whom he also refers to as “Poppy Bofay” and “The Man.” For fear of embarrassing Mrs. Bush, and out of concern that publicizing his race might alienate conservative voters in the South and elsewhere, Bush continued to avoid questions on the subject until now.

However, he said, it has been no secret that he possesses natural ability in sports and dance, a weakness for snack foods, and an extremely large penis. He conceded that his race has been less apparent in his administration’s public policies, but he defended his record. “I have to be President of all the people, not just my own people,” he said. “You can’t show favoritism. That’s not what this job is about. It’s hard work.”

Bush’s natural father, Eustus Shexnyder, died in 1974. Surviving him is another son, Eustus Junior, who, upon learning that his brother is President of the United States, quit his job on the faculty of the Yale School of Law, and allegedly robbed a liquor store before leading police on a high-speed car chase. No trial date has been set.

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