20 May 2009

Weekend Service Changes

The following are service changes for the weekend of January 1, 2009 – Stardate 2937.4

Broadway–Seventh Avenue Local

Number 1 trains will provide skip-stop service between the hours of 12:01 AM and 12:02 AM. For service at other times, take the 5 to Union Square, transfer to the L, exit at 8th Avenue, and stay there.

Broadway–Seventh Avenue Express

Number 2 train service is suspended until further notice. For service, take the Number 3 train.

Broadway–Seventh Avenue Express

Number 3 train service is suspended until someone notices. For service, take the Number 2 train.

Lexington Avenue Express

Number 4 trains will provide alternate service all weekend. Every other car will take passengers. However, since the car you're in isn't any other car, you won't be able to board.

Lexington Avenue Express

Number 5 trains will run on the Number 2 track.

Lexington Avenue Conflicted

Number 6 service in Manhattan will be replaced by shuttle bus service in Queens.

Flushing Local/Express

Number 7 trains will run approximately every 36 hours between Ditmars Ave. and Boyd Ave.

Flushing–Panting–Heaving Express

There is no Number 8 train.

Broadway–Seventh Avenue Local

There is no Number 9 train, either; we dropped that years ago. Are you sure you live here?

Eighth Avenue Express

Due to track renovation, A trains will run on the C track from 11 PM to 6 AM, but we’re not telling you which day.

Sixth Avenue Express

Due to construction, B trains will run on the B track, except when they don’t.

Eighth Avenue Sporadic

Due to construction, C trains will run on the C track, only backwards.

Sixth Avenue Indifferent

D trains will be completely invisible, as part of a new program initiated by the Department of Homeland Security. Remember: If you see something, say something.

Eighth Avenue Inscrutable

As usual, service on the E train will remain fast and frequent. Nobody knows why. Passengers traveling to stations served by the E train are advised to take alternate transportation.

Sixth Avenue Elusive

F train service is tired and depressed, ever since learning there was no 8 train. Please, just leave it alone.

Crosstown Local

G train service will continue to go places people don’t actually need to go, while tantalizingly close to places people really, really want to go. That’s the G Attitude, baby. Deal with it.

Nassau Street Express

J train service is offering a $1,500 reward for any information in connection with the disappearance of the 8 train.

Canarsie Local

You’re not serious, are you?

Nassau Street Local

M train service is being held by police on unspecified charges.

Broadway Express

Ladies and gentlemen, your safety matters to us. Remember, riding between subway cars is dangerous. As is riding inside subway cars. Really, wouldn’t you rather stay home this weekend?

Broadway Excresce

Q train service will not be operated by foul-mouthed yet adorable hand puppets, no matter what your neighbor told you. We’re sorry, that’s just the way it is.

Broadway Lo-Cal

R trains will run on the number 2 track.

Sixth Avenue Local

V train service raises the philosophical question: What is train service? Is it movement? Or the idea of movement? What role does faith (the belief in the V train’s eventual arrival) play? Would a just God permit His followers to suffer on the platform? Or does the existence (or non-existence) of the V train disprove the existence of God?

Broadway Local

W train service will be suspended between Queensboro Plaza and Etoile–Charles de Gaulle. For service to Manhattan, transfer at Hauptbahnhof Tiergarten.


S train service continues uninterrupted between Grand Central Station and Grand Central Station.

Nassau Street Express

Due to construction, Z train service is suspended. For service, take the F train at Sutphin Blv to the R train at 71 – Continental Avs. Transfer to E train service at Roosevelt Ave – Jackson Heights. At Queens Plaza, transfer to the V, transferring at Court Sq to the G train. At Hoyt – Schermerhorn, transfer to the A. Exit at Howard Beach – JFK Airport. Proceed to the International Departures Terminal. A woman named Chantal will hand you a ticket. Proceed to the gate. There, you will be arrested by federal agents. You will be taken to prison. Upon release, take a taxi to your destination.

How does this affect my trip?
It’s only slightly more complicated, and much faster, than taking the subway during normal service hours, back when we had any.

Why is service being changed?
Who can say? But in a few days, you’ll be paying even more for it!

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