What I Learned in Hollywood

Marmaduke, on his way to your Multiplex

During my visit to California last fall, I learned a great many things. Indeed, it turns out that producing a blockbuster movie franchise is so easy, I’m surprised more people don’t try it. Now I am putting together a “package,” which is the technical term for a kind of “deal,” which leads to the creation of “entertainment.”

I needed the right “property,” first of all, and the difficulty here is that all the good recycled ideas are already taken. Not just the sequels (Harry Potter — in two parts! Shrek 4! Iron Man 2! Meet the Parents 3! Twilight: Abdomening) — because what is the good of a movie if there’s only one of it? Beyond all that, there are numberless remakes and repurposing of TV sitcoms, video games, and comic-books that are so familiar, it’s as if you’ve seen the movie already. And believe me, if people saw Footloose the first time, they’ll be lining up to see the remake. Just the way they did for Fame.

Also forthcoming: The remake of ‘Clash of the Titans’
(I’m looking forward to the CGI Burgess Meredith,
without which the picture cannot be considered complete.)

The coming months therefore will see such blockbusters as The Karate Kid, The Sorcerer’s Apprentice (from Disney, though it sure doesn’t look like Fantasia), The A-Team — and Marmaduke, for which as you know there has been vociferous demand. In the original medium, all of these works were already as good as they’re ever going to get — but so what? And because stretching a Dr. Seuss story to feature length, and hiring Jim Carrey to star, always works so well, there’s a remake of Horton Hatches the Egg.*

Yes, all of the good properties are taken — but one. And now I’m ready to package it.

Nice package, don’t you agree?

Archie, the Movie: Return to Riverdale High stars Brendan Fraser as lovable Archie Andrews, America’s favorite freckle-faced teenager, now approaching middle age. Attending his high-school reunion with his wife, the adorable Betty (Cameron Diaz), his head is turned — yet again — by the alluring Veronica (Zoe Saldana).

Fraser

Little does Archie suspect that Veronica is now an undercover agent, leading a team of top-rank ninja assassins, come to Riverdale to investigate a possible terrorist attack. For genial Principal Weatherbee (Will Ferrell), after being hit in the head by a football at the big Homecoming game, is now an international spy. His diabolical scheme: to destroy the United States of America — with radioactive bubblegum!

Now we know why Weatherbee was spending so much time in the chemistry lab!

Can Veronica stop him in time? Not without Archie’s help!

But how to keep Betty from becoming jealous?

Brody

Ben Stiller directs and co-stars as playboy Reggie Mantle, with special appearances by Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson as Moose Mason, and Dame Judi Dench, adding another laurel to her burgeoning crown, as Miss Grundy. (If she’s unavailable, see what Cloris Leachman is up to.)

Best of all, in the role he was born to play, Academy Award-winner Adrien Brody is Jughead.

There! See how much I learned in California? The movie will practically make itself — you hardly even need to think about it!

Now give me ten million dollars and a percentage of the gross.

Lovable goof Jughead Jones

*NOTE: The great animator Chuck Jones managed to tell Horton’s story in about seven minutes, and the Grinch’s — flawlessly — in less than 30. Carrey and his friends haven’t come close to breaking those records.