05 April 2010

Thinner Than Thou™: Post-Holiday Edition

Glowing red eyes, malignant horns, that tiny gaping maw:
Satan is here to tempt you.

If you’ve been following Thinner Than Thou™, my new, Bible-based program of diet and exorcise, you know already that it’s not good enough to have a Good Monday. I’m here to show you how to have a Superior Monday.

For too many of us, the time just after the holidays is full of temptations. Sure, we gave up sinful indulgences during Lent. Who wouldn’t? Some of us may even have been righteous enough to stage an Easter Egg-Beaters® Hunt for the kids, hiding brightly colored cartons of delicious no-fat, no-cholesterol alternative egg product around the back yard.

But Lent is over, the Easter candy is piled high, and your fridge over­floweth with mouth­watering leftover ham. That’s why this is the time to get serious about your workout! The choice is yours: you can get fit, or you can feel the burn — in Hell!

That’s why today I’d like to address several of the most difficult problem areas facing Muscular Christians.

“I am the weigh.”

Correct Attire
Look at nonbelievers at the gym — no, wait! Don’t look! They’re not wearing much. Obviously, they are not right with God, who created us in His own image: namely, wearing long, flowing robes that would completely conceal His flesh, if He had any.

The women’s aerobics class models several of our latest styles.

At the Thinner Than Thou© Shop®, you can purchase stylish, prac­tical, entirely modest workout gear! Now, some of you may complain that it’s hard to move in outfits like these. But honestly! If the Spirit moves within you — surely you can move within just about anything!

How to Work Out Unmentionable Areas
Brothers and sisters, it’s time to confess: your Easter Buns are spreading faster than a hot rumor in the Ladies’ Auxiliary. If betting weren’t a sin, you could bet your last tithe that those old biddies had some tart remarks to make about your canned ham.

Look like anyone you know?

That particular area poses a real challenge to the faithfully fit. After all, if an aerobics coach were to say, “Come on, ladies, work those b***s,” you know perfectly well that his tongue would burst into flames — and not in a good way.

Moreover, certain workouts are the routine of all evil: while sinners may find the so-called “squat-thrust” to be an effective way to firm up their pew-warmers, we know that neither squatting nor thrusting is seemly. To do both at once would be out of the question — as would Jazzercise (which combines godless jazz music and sinful dancing), yoga (pagan), and other similarly unholy practices. By now you’re probably wondering, “Must Satan get my behind?”

Floor work: The men’s gymgnostic team

But be just and fear not! I’ve developed a patented workout, with a euphemism so obscure, your own pastor won’t know what you’re training: “How to Firm Up the First Syllable of the Name of the Founder of Nineveh.” You’ll be turning the other cheek in no time!

Gathering the Elect
Come on down to the 700-Pound Club®, our new fitness center, and try our Stations of the Cross-Training™ — not to mention our Toiling-and-Spinning Classes.™ Your sweat will be as great drops of blood falling down to the ground!

And wait — there’s more Good News! For an extra $30, you can join us for a night of Holy Rollerblading, in beautiful Gethsemane Gardens!

Feeling Passed Over?
Naturally, a great many of our Thinner Than Thou™ programs are designed for Christians, but that’s no excuse to feel bitter, Herb. Because we’re so superior, we embrace people of other faiths, too, and the chances are, we’ve got just the fitness pogrom for you. So don’t just recline at your leisure! A new heart and a new spirit may be just a Kardio Kashroutine away!

Just one of our very, very special aerobics classes for people who don’t necessarily believe the same things we do.

With separate training rooms for men and women, courtesy yarmulkes (made of paper, so you can sweat freely), our Superkosher snack bar (we don’t mix fat and carbs, either), and our luxurious eucalyptus mikvah and spa (can’t hurt), thou shalt not look like a shlub.

(Legal Notice: Our Righteous Results Guarantee® may not apply past the time of death, for those who don’t believe in an afterlife; or past the time of the third death, for those who practice reincarnation. Please see a Membership Counselor for details.)


Randy said...

I don't think there will ever be a more appropriate time to tell you about my experience at a church choir rehearsal where the assistant choir director who used to be an aerobics instructor did a high kick and full blown hurts-just-to-look-at-him split for new church members who were attending their first choir rehearsal. Guess the denomination... I'll bet you're wrong!

William V. Madison said...

Obviously this took place in an Eastern Orthodox church, in tribute to the Great Split of 1054, when the Eastern churches broke with Rome.