22 May 2010

‘Disappointment’ Greets News of Nominee’s Sexuality

The current, completely heterosexual Court.
Straight stud John Paul Stevens (front row, second from left) is retiring
in order to sow a few wild oats, if you know what I mean.
(Look out, ladies!)

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- In the aftermath of White House assertions that Supreme Court nominee Elena Kagan is heterosexual, gay activists and Justice Clarence Thomas spoke out this week, expressing their disappointment.

“President Obama has missed another historic opportunity to affirm the equality of all Americans, including lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender Americans,” said Joe Solmonese, president of the Human Rights Campaign, a Washington-based advocacy group. “To have restored the representation of our community to the highest court in the land would have sent an important message to the world, at a time when our rights and freedoms are under assault from all quarters.”

Kagan: Not even amicus curious.

A spokesman for Thomas, whose own sexual habits became an issue during his confirmation hearings in 1991, told reporters that “the personal lives of judicial nominees should have no bearing on the process. Associate Justice Thomas is deeply saddened that we seem to have learned so little from the indignities he was made to suffer,” said Langdon Silver, a Thomas aide.

Kagan is President Obama’s second nominee to the Supreme Court, as well as the second unmarried heterosexual woman who totally looks like a dyke, following Sonia Sotomayor, who was confirmed to the straight court last year.

Sotomayor: Man-eater

“Our hopes were raised yet again when it appeared that the President had gone to Central Casting and asked for a lesbian,” Solmonese told reporters. “And yet again, our hopes have been dashed. It is shameful that our community will continue to go without representation, as we have done since 2005, when Chief Justice William Rehnquist died.”

Solmonese added, “And everybody knows he was just gay-for-pay.”

“Associate Justice Thomas believes he could have learned a great deal from Ms. Kagan and Associate Justice Sotomayor,” said Silver. “He was looking forward to watching them go over briefs and receive oral arguments in chambers; he believes it would have been illuminating to see how they handle their cases.”

Thomas: Has it really been 19 years?

“It’s just so misleading,” Solmonese concluded. “I mean, Jesus, if these women are straight, can we at least get them a make-over? No wonder they can’t find a man! I couldn’t, either, if I looked like them!”

In a prepared statement, a White House spokeswoman affirmed President Obama’s “longstanding commitment to equal rights for all heterosexual Americans, regardless of race, creed, or country of origin.”

No comments: