17 March 2011

Taylor Lautner Disappears; Concerns Rise

A Recent Photograph
The likeness is said to be excellent,
especially when Lautner is acting.

HOLLYWOOD -- News reports having nothing to do with actor Taylor Lautner have raised concerns here that the young Twilight star has disappeared and may be dead or otherwise not bankable. Authorities here say that there has been no confirmed sighting of Lautner in the press for weeks. Google search parties are now being formed.

“Taylor could be dead or hurt, and lying in a ditch somewhere, unable to call for help or do his stomach crunches,” said one distraught fan, Emma Jane Woodhouse, 15, of Highbury, IL. “He needs me! I’m so worried,” Woodhouse wept, adding, “Did you see Glee this week? Isn’t Darren Criss the hottest thing ever?”

Lautner, 19, best known for abdomen and for his role as Jacob Black in the Twilight movies, is reputedly the highest-paid teen actor in the world, entertainment reporter Julie Gerstein told other entertainment reporters at a press conference. Gerstein has not typed Lautner’s name since February 24, in a news brief for New York Magazine, she said, “And even then, we were already speculating as to his whereabouts, talking about a movie he’s not making.”

Lautner’s disappearance could have a major impact on the magazine, which is noted for its comprehensive Lautner coverage, Gerstein said. “I mean, what else are we going to write about?” she asked. “Gilbert Gottfried said something that wasn’t funny — this is news? Maybe James Franco has fresh tweet this morning. Is there anything happening in the Far East? Really? Jesus H. Christ!”

Concerns are especially high here in Hollywood, said one studio executive, who asked to remain anonymous because I made him up. “People were really counting on Taylor to boost Stretch Armstrong, a movie that can’t possibly be any good,” the imaginary executive said. “But you know, if Taylor takes his shirt off, we’ll sell tickets anyway.”

Without Lautner, the fictional executive continued, “we’re out millions of dollars and stuck with a truly terrible script and worthless Stretch Armstrong merchandise. Does anybody know what Darren Criss looks like without a shirt? Is it too soon to start talking about Justin Bieber? Maybe we could do Stretch as a musical. Zac Efron’s probably not doing anything right now.”

Lautner, who is probably making some movie on location somewhere, could not be reached for comment, since I don’t have his phone number.

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