10 July 2010

Theme Jacob, or How to Succeed in Business by Writing More about Taylor Lautner

What’s up with his nose, anyway?
Why doesn’t anyone write a story about that?

Apparently, it is the policy of the New York Magazine website to run at least one article per day about the young actor Taylor Lautner. Even after having read several of these dispatches, I don’t really understand what the fuss is about. Lautner has an impressive physique and co-stars in the popular Twilight movies, yet there doesn’t seem to be much more to say about him, no matter how hard the scribes work at it.

Is anybody really interested in this kid? The folks at New York Magazine must think so, and heaven knows they’re smarter about marketing than I’ll ever be. Clearly they’re convinced that legions of dedicated Lautner fans must scour the Internet for any reference to their idol, and the magazine values that reader demographic.

Meanwhile, because summer is here and so many of my own loyal readers, like myself, may not be able to spend much time on this blog, I have determined to boost (or at least maintain) my circulation figures — just the way that New York does. I’m going to mention Taylor Lautner as often as possible.

My sources tell me that Lautner walks upright.
Also, he has opposable thumbs.

This will be difficult, but business is business. Since I’ve seen none of the Twilight movies and don’t know the guy personally, it’s pretty much impossible to write about Taylor Lautner without making stuff up. Both my journalistic scruples and Lautner’s attorneys forbid me to do that. So today I’d like to try out a few samples of the ways that references to Taylor Lautner might be incorporated into the kinds of articles I typically post here.

One-Hit Wonders for $500, Alex:
Who is Right Said Fred?

Sample 1:
Joyce Castle opened her recital with a selection of little-known arias by composer Jacob Taylor-Lautner. “Gott! Hemdlos bin ich wieder noch einmal” and “Ich bin heißer als Edward” were delivered with glistening tone in the chest and rare intensity of expression, and when she arrived at the tender “An Bella,” she brought tears to my eyes. Her encore, Satie’s “Six abdominaux en forme de tablette de chocolat,” had us hungering for more.

Later that week, Joyce DiDonato appeared in Rossini’s serious opera Don Lautner del Lago, in which she plays the trouser role of Lautner, a disgraced nobleman who disguises himself as a humble taylor. Joyce told me that this was the first time she’d sung shirtless in New York, and while she was nervous at first, she believes it’s essential to the drama. On opening night, the audience cheered her free and easy top.
Categories: Joyce Castle, Joyce DiDonato, Music

Sample 2:
Curiously, Proust does not give names to any of the male prostitutes who work in Jupien’s brothel, with the famous exception of the handsome young Taylor Lautner, whom Charlus craves. Proust borrowed the name from that of the hero of Stendhal’s great novel, La chemise égarée.
Category: Books and Writers

Buffing up a massive chest

Sample 3:
“But Tante Victoire!” I cried. “What shall I use to polish the furniture that is made of wood?”

“Ah, my little Madeleine,” my good aunt answered, “you must use a little of this very special product, which is called huile de Lautner; it is ideal for any kind of hardwood. And remember that the best method is always a good firm rubbing.”

I did as she told me, and applied a little of the Lautner oil to a rag. Then I set to work on the massive chest in my bedroom. Tante Victoire was right! You would not believe how it was quickly buffed up and glistening. Why, I almost wanted to lick it! I had never done such a thing before!

I recounted this to my aunt, and she smiled. “Now, ma chère,” she said, “it is time for you to learn that Lautner oil has other uses, too. Come and give me a foot massage.”
Category: La Première Année de Cuisine

Master Thespian: Acting!

Sample 4:
My meeting with George Bush was brief but telling, I think. Though he had not yet entered politics, he had a keen eye already: it was, after all, the family business, in a manner of speaking. He offered me a tour of the political horizon, then offered me two words of advice I’ll never forget.

“My boy,” he said, “if you want to get ahead in life, just stay true to the old Latin expression my daddy taught me: taylor lautner.” And then, as he showed me out, he repeated slowly: “Taylor lautner.”
Categories: Mentors, Portraits, Texas

Taylor Lautner & Robert Pattinson: Secretly gay lovers?
No! But I just guaranteed myself about 60,000 blog hits.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Ha,ha,ha. I bet you got soooo much more than 60,000 blog hits.