28 April 2011

Poll: Majority of Americans Want to Believe That Obama Is a Stereotypical Negro or Extraterrestrial

Fueling skeptics’ concerns, Obama is reputed to enjoy basketball.

Public-opinion polls confirm that a statistical majority of Americans are not satisfied with President Barack Obama’s birth certificate and continue to seek proof positive that he is a stereotypical Negro, an extraterrestrial, or perhaps both.

“Donald Trump says Obama was a terrible student in college,” said one American surveyed, Forest Bedford of Ignoramus, NE. “Definitely not Ivy League material, like our previous president, God bless him. I hear Obama spent all his time playing basketball and eating chitterlings in Harlem, which is the location of Columbia University and, as you know, just full of Negroes.”

An alleged photo of Obama from the Columbia yearbook, 1981.
Some Americans claim the President may secretly speak jive.

Presumed presidential candidate Donald Trump confirmed these demands, while also calling for Obama to prove that he can resist a plate of fried chicken and a slice of ripe watermelon.

“Also, if there are any white women who are willing to put themselves at risk, I would really like proof that Obama can resist a white woman,” Trump added. “I realize that this is asking a lot, but really, ladies, it’s for the good of the country.”

Trump: “Today I’m very proud of myself.”
Enough said.

In a related development, many Americans continue to seek conclusive proof that Obama is an outer-space alien bent on world domination. “It all makes sense, don’t you see?” Lester Blodgett, a retired driver-ed instructor, told reporters at a packed news conference in Foxnews, VT.

“They sent him here from another planet, and they gave him the power to hypnotize humans into voting for him,” Blodgett continued. “Then they’re going to beam us up to the Mother Ship and probe us and eat us, or force the white Americans to be slaves, or to socialize medicine, or something equally unnatural. It’s the perfect plan, and who would suspect? You sure don’t hear about this in the lamestream media.”

Blodgett’s wife added, “But if Obama’s a Venusian, then we don’t have to do anything he tells us to do, ever.”

Obama takes the oath of office, Stardate 2009.0120

A spokesperson for the Republican National Committee could not be reached for comment. White House sources say that President Obama will hold a press conference later today, during which he will cut open a vein in his forearm to prove that his blood is red and iron-based, rather than green and copper-based.

Even that may not be enough to satisfy some Americans. “Is his penis bifurcated?” asked Mrs. Henrietta Lewis of Prurient Falls, WI. “I want to see the president’s penis before I make up my mind. Until then, he’s no president of mine.”

Arizona Governor Jan Brewer has said that she will veto a bill currently before the Legislature that would make liking Tyler Perry movies an impeachable offense.

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