25 June 2011

It’s Not at All Strange that James Franco Hasn’t Called Me Since Gay Marriage Was Legalized in New York State

Oh, I know what you’re thinking: now that gay marriage has been legalized in New York State, it’s just a matter of time before James Franco pops the question. “Bill has been waiting such a long time,” you’re saying to yourself. “Surely now Jib-Jib will make an honest man of him! Why, I bet he’s on the phone to Bill right now! I can just imagine the conversation!”

So can I! After all, like dozens of other bloggers and entertainment writers in America, I’ve gotten quite adept at imagining conversations with James Franco. I can tell you — with utter confidence — that Jibby would be grinning audibly when I answered the phone. “Hey, babe,” he’d say. And then some other stuff that, really, it would be indiscreet of me to divulge.

Perhaps at this very minute, he’s getting ready
for the bridal shower.

But you have to understand: James Franco is a very, very busy man. Also, he doesn’t have my phone number. Oh, that silly old judge with his pesky restraining orders!

Still — set your mind at ease! There’s no reason to believe that James is holding out, or that he heard the vicious rumors about me and Joseph Gordon-Levitt, or that he has any reason to know I’m alive. Now that gay marriage is legal in the state where we both live, some of the time, he knows that he’s free to do the right thing.

You know how Jibby loves to multi-task! Actor, writer, musician, artist, director, producer. Why, at this very moment, he’s probably getting ordained, so that he can perform the ceremony himself. Yeah, that’s gotta be the reason.

Oh, it’s going to be beautiful. Just the way I always dreamed it would be.

(P.S. You’ve got so much on your mind, Jib darling, that I knew you’d forget — so I went ahead and registered us at Crate & Barrel.)

That said, don’t you think the bride should wear white?
Personally, I’m a traditionalist.


Mark Ketterson said...

LOL! Oh, you!

ava said...

My mother saw James Franco on the Colbert Report and promptly called to let me know she'd found THE man for me. Her previous pick was Luke Russert, but he did not stand a chance against Renaissance Man Extraordinaire James Franco. Clearly mom wants nothing but the best for me. I won't tell her of your upcoming nuptials; best to keep the dream alive.