03 January 2012

Survey: Iowa Voters Ruining It for Everybody, Reporters Say

CLIMAX, IOWA* -- A new survey released just minutes ago finds that an overwhelming majority of news reporters believe Iowa voters are on the brink of spoiling the process for everybody.

“For months, we’ve been happily going about our work, predicting winners and losers, guessing at who’s ahead and who’s behind and what that means, without anybody casting a single vote,” Tess Harding of the AP told pollsters. “All that’s about to change. Thanks for nothing, Iowa.”

This morning’s survey figures showed reporters in agreement, with 29 percent in a comfortable lead over 17 percent. Among pollsters, a critical demographic segment here in Iowa, there was no clear winner, however, with 14 percent speculating, 12 percent predicting, 11 percent horse racing, 9 percent self-pitying, and 8 percent contemptuous.

“Clearly, this is one of the most exciting horse races we’ve seen so far in this election cycle,” Ann Mitchell of Politico said. “I’ve never seen so many horses! Also cows.”

“The volatility is astonishing, and the ‘anyone-but-Iowa’ segment just seems to careen from one rival to another,” the Des Moines Register’s Henry Connell said of the latest survey. “I don’t think you can discount the importance of the Tea Party-slash-Occupy Wall Street-style discontent among reporters here, which translates into an almost palpable restlessness and desire to throw the bums out. It’s neck-and-neck, hold-your-breath excitement here!”

Diz Moore of interrupted Connell, saying, “The really significant trend, however, is — oh, who am I kidding? Once Iowans start to vote, there’ll be nothing left to live for.”

According to today’s survey, 85 percent of political reporters overall demanded another survey, for old time’s sake, while a statistically negligible 4 percent preferred sticking their fingers in their ears and singing “Battle Hymn of the Republic.”

This represents a marked shift from two weeks ago, when Iowa reporters favored “Jingle Bells.” Analysts say the trend away from Christmas carols reflects nationwide preferences among other analysts of analysis.

“Before today, basically, we could make it all up — and very often we did,” Sam Craig of The Washington Times said. “After all, who could prove we were wrong? The only hard data was the stuff we generated ourselves! Now actual voters will get involved, muddying the water by creating verifiable statistics of their own. Rank amateurs!”

With striking unanimity, political reporters and analysts told pollsters they believe that actual voting could “shake up the field” of candidates, with serious consequences.

“So Iowa votes, and the next thing you know, some of these clowns are going to drop out,” Chuck Tatum of CNN said. “Instead of a half-dozen colorful candidates, you’ll have just one or two. Do you have any idea how hard it’s going to be to come up with stuff to say about them, day after day, hour after hour, until November?”

Some analysts recommended caution, but Hildy Johnson-Burns of Gallup spoke for many colleagues when she urged Iowa voters to postpone the caucus until a later date.

“Actual voting results will provide us with material for, what, a couple of hours? And then what?” Johnson-Burns said. “I’m warning you, Iowa, for your own sake. If you screw this up, we’ll have to pack it up and take our business elsewhere. New Hampshire is starting to look mighty appealing.”

*NOTE: I did not make up that name. The reporters’ names are all from classic Hollywood films.

1 comment:

John Yohalem said...

Hildy Johnson-Burns? That sonofabitch stole my watch.