19 April 2012

Mysterious Painting Removed from Dick Clark Home

SANTA MONICA, CA -- By cover of night, a team of unidentified workmen removed a full-length portrait painting from the home of television impresario Dick Clark yesterday, driving away in an unmarked van.

Clark, often known as “the world’s oldest teenager,” passed away yesterday at the age of 82. His American Bandstand program and New Year’s Rockin’ Eve celebrations proved perennial favorites for generations of Americans. Many in Clark’s original audiences are grandparents and great-grandparents now, despite the fact that Clark himself never seemed to age.

Witnesses described the mysterious painting as “hideous,” adding, “I know this man was responsible for the spread of so-called ‘bubble-gum pop,’ but surely he had better taste than to hang a thing like that where anybody could see it!”

Clark at work, in a photograph from last year.

Another neighbor speculated that the figure in the painting was roughly the age of Clark himself — 82 — yet bore the traces of a life much harder lived than Clark’s, the body twisted with lust and the face stained with unspeakable vices.

“It’s almost as if this were the painting Clark is supposed to have kept hanging in his attic, that permitted him to remain young and beautiful despite his depraved lifestyle,” said another neighbor, Douglas Alfred. “Of course, if that were the case, the painting would have reverted to its original state — a depiction of Clark in his youthful beauty — while Clark instantly decayed until on his deathbed he resembled this monstrosity. Right?”

Another neighbor, Sybil Vane, agreed. “Dick looked great, right up to the end. That’s certainly not how these mysterious portrait things work, is it? Am I right?”

No comments: