22 April 2012

On Election Night, Carla Bruni Reads Gossip Magazines

PARIS -- In the aftermath of his historically disappointing second-place finish in presidential elections today, incumbent French President Nicolas Sarkozy addressed supporters from his Union pour un Mouvement Populaire party tonight at the Palais de la Mutualité. Conspicuously absent from the dais and nowhere to be seen in the audience, French First Lady Carla Bruni-Sarkozy was seen in a laundromat in Neuilly, reading magazines.

These included such popular titles as VSD, Gala, Voici, and Closer, all known for coverage of celebrity gossip, or la presse pipole, as it is called in this country.

Prior to her marriage to the President of the Republic, Bruni was reputed to be perhaps Europe’s most accomplished (and self-described) mangeuse d’hommes, or “maneater,” numbering among her conquests noted celebrities such as rockers Mick Jagger and Eric Clapton, actors Charles Berling and Vincent Pérez, father and son Jean-Paul and Raphaël Enthoven, and a former Prime Minister of France, Laurent Fabius.

“Is Carla here? No? Are you sure?”

“Yes, she was here for about two hours,” laundromat manager Hortense Essorage told reporters. “She just sat there by herself, reading magazines and repeating, ‘I refuse to be the mistress of a nobody.’

“When she left,” Essorage continued, “we discovered that she’d torn out all the pictures of [actor] Brad Pitt, [football player] Cristiano Ronaldo, [swimmer] Camille Lacourt, and [Russian President] Vladimir Putin and taken them with her. Oh, and all the pictures of [U.S. President Barack] Obama, too. I can’t explain it — can you?”

While the race remains extremely volatile, polls indicate that Sarkozy will lose to Socialist candidate François Hollande in the runoff election on May 6.

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