17 July 2012

For My Birthday This Year, I Am Resigning Retroactively as a Judge on ‘American Idol’

Please note the extreme care with which I have retroactively cropped myself out of this picture.

Today I turn 51, and it’s certain to be what my grandfather would call “a Magic Year.” And a busy one, too. With a contract for my authorized biography of Madeline Kahn and with my upcoming debut at Fort Worth Opera, I’ve got a lot to do this year. That’s why I’m taking my cue from Mitt Romney’s advisers.

The fact is, I’m going to be so busy that I find it necessary to resign retroactively as a judge on American Idol, dating back to 2007. Granted, I haven’t been named a judge yet on American Idol or indeed anywhere else, but the point is that, when they do name me a judge, I will be so busy that I will have to step down even sooner than immediately.

This was a very difficult decision, as you can imagine. The whole American Idol experience has brought so much joy to my life, excepting always those moments when I actually watched the show, which I find creepy and humiliating to contestants and viewers alike. But really, it’s time for me to move on, and if this means that Aretha Franklin can be named a judge retroactively dating back to 2007, I’ll feel I’ve given the show the very best I have to offer.

Also, I would like to collect retroactively a very large fee from the Coca-Cola Company for the prominent product placement
in this picture.

I’d also like to announce retroactively my birth in France, instead of Texas. Clearly there’s been a lot of confusion over my birth certificate, but I think that with this retroactive clarification, everybody will find it much easier to understand why I am the way I am, instead of the way I am not.

Finally, it has become apparent that I will be so busy this year that I must regretfully and retroactively break up with James Franco. This was a very difficult decision, but you must understand that Jib-Jib is so fascinating that merely searching the Internet for every mention of his name is a time-consuming distraction from my other work. It leaves me no time to spend with him, or even to meet him.

Naturally, I thought about transferring my affections retroactively to Joseph Gordon-Levitt, but he’s nearly as fascinating as James Franco, and besides, Jib-Jib has always been a little jealous of Jo-Go, and I want our retroactive break-up to remain amicable, for the retroactive sake of our retroactive children. Therefore, I would like to announce that I am obsessed with a perfectly decent but frankly less interesting actor, Jesse Eisenberg, dating retroactively to his commendable performance in The Squid and the Whale in 2005.

Now that we’ve cleared up these matters, I hope we can get back to talking about the economy. Thank you.

Here’s a picture of Jesse — or “Juicy,” as I call him — giving another perfectly acceptable performance in a movie entitled Adventureland.
I wonder what ever happened to that girl in the picture with him.

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