06 April 2015

I Vow Never to Make a Pizza for a Gay Wedding, If You Send Me $100,000

Behold, I stand at the door and knock;
if any heterosexual man hear My voice,
and open the door, I will come in to him,
and will sup with him, and he with Me.
(In a totally straight, bro-type way.)

In recent days, the owners of an Indiana pizza parlor announced that they would refuse to cater gay weddings, feeling that to do so would violate their faith. A horrible backlash ensued, including Internet bullying and unconscionable threats of violence; swiftly, the owners closed down their pizza parlor. But then, something wonderful occurred. People began to raise money to send to them, and the last I saw, they had raised $100,000.

That is why I want to take this opportunity to say to you that, if you will send me $100,000 — whether in a lump sum or in aggregate smaller individual donations via a crowdfunding network — I will never, ever make a pizza for a gay wedding, so help me, G*d.

It is true that never before have I made a pizza for a gay wedding. Never has anyone asked me to make a pizza for a gay wedding. In point of fact, I have never actually made a pizza, except for reheating the prefabricated, store-bought kind, whether frozen or refrigerated.

But I understand that making even a single pizza is a slippery slope. Just one pizza, and the next thing you know, I could be making pizzas for man–dog weddings, or just simply moving to Indiana. Thanks to your generosity, I will be able to resist that temptation to sin.

Making a pizza would violate many of my most deeply held personal religious beliefs. These include the commandments “Thou shalt not step within three feet of a brick oven” and “Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s mozzarella,” and of course, the teachings of Jesus, who said, “Reserve the right to refuse to love thy neighbor as thyself.”

Yea, though I was born partially Italian, and though I would probably make a truly excellent pizza chef, I will shun those who ask me to make a pizza — if you will just send me $100,000.

And hurry, please. The rent is due, and tax day is coming up. Thanks.

UPDATE: I understand that supporters of the owners of the Indiana pizzeria have now raised close to $1 million. I’m not greedy: I’ll settle for $100,000. But if you want to give me $1 million, I won’t say no.


Anne said...

Hilarious post and funny all around... Who even asked them to make this announcement/ pledge?

Perhaps it's how they do it in Indiana, but I can't even imagine serving pizza at a wedding, gay or otherwise. Even a pot of meatballs would have a higher tone. lol

William V. Madison said...

Thank you! Actually, I can understand why some couples would want to serve pizza at a wedding, especially if finicky children attend. What else are you going to feed them? Chicken nuggets? So I'm not climbing aboard the rapidly overcrowding "Oh, those corny Midwesterners" bandwagon. Pizza is a viable solution, and far be it from me to tell anybody how to plan a wedding.

Also, while I certainly don't endorse some of the responses that the pizza parlor owners received, it does strike me that this windfall may make it more difficult for them to understand why refusing service is offensive: now they can afford not to examine their position.

Anne said...

especially if finicky children attend. What else are you going to feed them? Chicken nuggets?

Why not? Alot less mess than sauce everywhere. However you point is taken

You are wise not to get on the class prejudice bandwagon. That's stereotyping as well

...now they can afford not to examine their position.

Indeed. They will just be examining their bank balance

The violence of the some of the responses has made them into a kind of martyrs to, apparently many,;wealthy martyrs.

Book tour and movie up next. Then the musical and then " Pizza Martyrs" on ice tour lol ( why am I laughing? It's all too predicable )

Anonymous said...

Indiana is a beautiful state with charming, hardworking, unpretentious people. As I've said before, I have heard the term of abuse "faggot" infinitely more often from black lips than from white ones.

Your fan,

-- Rick

William V. Madison said...

I didn't say a word against Indiana, Rick; I have family there. Sadly, having grown up in Texas and been bullied daily by suburban white boys, I have yet to hear any demographic exceed their tally for use of the word "faggot." Most of the black guys I've heard use the word in New York are drag queens. I doubt that any state or group holds a monopoly on good behavior.