17 September 2011

How to Solve the Problem of America’s Uninsured

At last, a policy we can all endorse.

Since the number of Americans without health insurance rose to record levels — and since months of wrangling in Congress failed to come up with an “Obamacare” that sincerely pleased anybody at all — the nation continues to debate the best response to a persistent problem. Even the leading candidates for the Presidency don’t seem to have the answer — but I do.

Effective immediately, the federal government should purchase lions from cash-strapped zoos and circuses across the country. I know what you’re thinking: “Who’s going to pay for those lions?” Well, don’t worry, because those lions are going to pay for themselves!

The lions would be kept in football stadiums all over America — and really, what community worthy of the name doesn’t have one? “Who’s going to feed them?” you ask, still worried about government spending. But don’t worry! I’ve got that figured out, too.

Every Saturday afternoon, uninsured residents of the United States, having been assigned lottery numbers, will report to their local stadium, where a paying crowd is waiting. (Ticket sales and television rights will more than cover administrative costs, as you’ll see.)

Then, one by one, the uninsured will be thrown to the hungry lions, while the cheering crowd watches.

Instantly, we as a people need never again fear that we’re indirectly paying for medical care for the uninsured, who spread disease or rely on hospital emergency rooms and generally prove a burden to taxpayers everywhere.

Moreover, we can freely indulge two of America’s greatest passions: our love of sports, and our love of the death penalty.

Indeed, previous health-care proposals have failed precisely because they weren’t American enough. “Too European,” the critics are quick to say; “too Socialist.” There’s no such problem with my plan — you can’t get more American than the Saturday Slaughter!

Over time, we may even need to buy a few tigers, panthers, and bears to keep up with the vast supply of victims.

“But wait,” you say, “do uninsured Americans really deserve to die?” Really, it’s sweet of you to ask. But I’d like to remind you that America is a free country, where we’re free to make our own decisions about our health. And if we decide to do something that will ultimately kill us, that’s our right, and no one can take that away from us, thank God.

Really, the Saturday Slaughter is the humane option. With health care costs soaring and insurance plans shrinking even as they get more expensive, fewer Americans can afford to choose the insurance plan that works best for them. Rather than continue to rack up massive debt they’re unlikely ever to pay off, those who are sick already will probably be glad to be thrown to the lions!

And my plan need not mean the creation of a permanent federal program simply to address a near-term crisis. If we pace the weekly slaughters appropriately (say, 20 or 30 executions per community per week), we’ll run out of uninsured in a few decades, at which time the program can be dissolved.

Also, throwing the uninsured to the lions will create jobs! Private contractors will obtain licenses to purvey concessions at each stadium. In layman’s terms, this means that you can apply to sell peanuts in the stands during Saturday Slaughters!

Granted, your paycheck probably will be tiny. But it’s a job. Plus, you’ll get to see the Slaughter for free! How great is that?

Best of all, if we price the tickets appropriately, America will generate vast reserves of revenue for years to come — without raising taxes! As we all know, raising taxes would be wrong.

Honestly, I can’t find a single fault with this plan. I hope you agree — and start writing your Congressional representatives and preferred Presidential candidates. Do it today!


Lincoln Madison said...

We could even get rid of that pesky city of Detroit once and for all — just tell everyone it's a free "Lions game," and off they'll march like lemmings!!

Alex said...

Finally someone offers a solution that will actually work!

Surely President-to-be Perry will want to make this suggestion (from a Texan no less!) the centerpiece of his first term...