11 December 2007

Bonus! DVD Commentary Track!

Hollywood has so much to say to us...

STAR: I thought this scene turned out really well. It’s one of my favorites.

DIRECTOR: Why? You’re not in it.

STAR: What’s that supposed to mean?

DIRECTOR: I mean we’ve been sitting here for forty minutes, and it seems like the only scenes you want to talk about are the scenes you’re in.

STAR: I don’t think that’s so strange.

DIRECTOR: I’m just saying.

STAR: What else am I supposed to talk about? It’s not as if I was on the set every day. I don’t have any stories to tell about scenes I wasn’t in.

DIRECTOR: It doesn’t have to be stories. You could say something about my camera work.

STAR: I’m not a director.

DIRECTOR: Plenty of people who aren’t directors admire my camera work. And that editing! Look at that cross-cut!

STAR: What cross-cut?

DIRECTOR: That one — oh, just go back and look again. See how I built up the tension between the characters?

STAR: Can we do that when we’re recording commentary? Are we allowed to rewind?

DIRECTOR: This is the twenty-first century, sweetie. We don’t rewind anymore. We’re digital.

STAR: Well, can we go backward — whatever you call it. Why are you being so hostile?

DIRECTOR: I’m not being hostile. You’re being defensive. Can we talk about the movie, please?

STAR: I’m trying to talk about the movie. You keep changing the subject. You want to talk about the movie? All right: I didn’t love that scene. I hated it. When I said I loved it, I was faking it.

DIRECTOR: Do you really think the people at home want to hear this?

STAR: Now who’s changing the subject?

DIRECTOR: I think this is a good opportunity to talk about your process as an actor. Are you primarily a method actress?

STAR: It’s about time you asked about my process.

DIRECTOR: I’m asking on behalf of the people at home — what do you mean, “it’s about time”?

STAR: You certainly never gave a damn about my “process” while we were filming. “Stand over there and scream. Okay, try again, but louder.” You call that directing?

DIRECTOR: We’re here not here to talk about me. We’re here to talk about the movie.

STAR: Shall we talk about how we wound up making a slasher movie instead of the romantic comedy you promised me?

DIRECTOR: I beg your pardon? I never promised you a rom-com.

STAR: That is so typical! You are unbelievable. You’re trying to tell me you didn’t — ugh! My mother had you pegged right from the start.

DIRECTOR: What does your mother know about anything?

STAR: You leave my mother out of this. At least she knows the difference between a slasher movie and a romantic comedy!

DIRECTOR: I never said it was going to be a comedy! It never happened!

STAR: I suppose that means you think this is romantic. A guy wearing my panties on his head and trying to strangle me with a phone cord is romantic.

DIRECTOR: I don’t want to talk about this.

STAR: Who even uses a phone with a cord, anyway?

DIRECTOR: It was going to be a period piece.

STAR: Ha! I didn’t have to make your movie, you know. I was coming off a successful series on Fox. I had a lot of offers. Dreamworks offers.

DIRECTOR: You are out of your frickin’ mind.

STAR: I only took this part because I felt sorry for you.

DIRECTOR: I only gave you the part because Renée Zellweger wasn’t available.

STAR: I gave you the best option of my life, and you took me direct to DVD!

DIRECTOR: Do you hear yourself? Do you even hear yourself?

STAR: I hear plenty, mister. And by the way, the movie ended five minutes ago. Do you have any profound artistic insights to share about the production credits, or can I go now?

DIRECTOR: As a matter of fact, I would like to give a shout-out to our production manager —

STAR: I’ve had it. I’m leaving.

DIRECTOR: What about the “making of” interviews?

STAR: Why don’t you ask Renée Zellweger? I’m sure she’d be happy to drop everything and come right over.


STAR: This is goodbye.

DIRECTOR: Fine. Goodbye.

STAR: Is that really all you have to say?

DIRECTOR: Have a nice day.

STAR: Because when I walk out that door, it’s over.


STAR: And I won’t come back, no matter how hard you beg.

DIRECTOR: I understand.

STAR: There’s nothing you could do, no part you could offer me, that would make me work with you again. Ever.


STAR: Not even the lead in your next picture.

DIRECTOR: Actually, I thought you’d be very good — but never mind. You’re right. Just go. It’s better this way.

STAR: Well, then. Goodbye.

DIRECTOR: It’s been great working with you. I hope you find that rom-com you’re looking for. You really could be the next Drew Barrymore.

STAR: Do you think so? I — I don’t know what to say.

DIRECTOR: I realize we had our ups and downs, but I really enjoyed working with you. I learned a lot from you, in fact. I didn’t mean for things to turn out this way.

STAR: I realize that. I’m sorry. I just can’t — well. Enough. I’ll see you around.

DIRECTOR: I wish I hadn’t been such a dope. I really could have used someone like you in my next picture. It’s even a romantic comedy.

STAR: Really?

DIRECTOR: Well, it has elements. I mean, I don’t want to get stuck in a rut. If people get the idea that you can only do one thing —

STAR: Tell me about it!

DIRECTOR: Yeah — I guess I don’t need to tell an actress about being typecast.

STAR: No, I mean tell me about the new movie….