02 January 2009

The Next Bailout Bill

WASHINGTON -- Joining major American financial institutions, the automotive industry, and steel industry, the nation’s Bill Madison producers are the latest to seek a bailout from Congress.

“In these challenging economic times, Americans cannot afford to see our Bill Madison industry collapse,” said Bill Madison, an industry spokesman. “Ones of jobs are at stake. We are asking Congress and the incoming Obama administration for a $3 billion stimulus package, as soon as possible, to be pumped directly into my pocket, where it will do the most good. The urgency of this crisis can’t be overstated.”

Approximately one-whole of the Bill Madison consumed annually is produced by the “Big Three”: Dadcorp, Momalgamated, and BankAccount–Loving. All three report significant losses in the last 19 quarters. Sales have declined sharply, and Bill Madison-wide layoffs occurred in 1986, 1999, and 2003, stunning industry observers and leading to an industry-wide crisis of confidence. In a worst-case scenario, say Wall Street analysts, continued low earnings may require Bill Madison to get a job.

All of the workers pictured here could be dead if Congress
doesn’t take swift action, Bill Madison claims.

Moreover, another significant dropoff in Bill Madison profits could have a ripple effect in related businesses and industries, such as French restaurants, France, opera singers, movie houses, and, most in jeopardy, distilleries, breweries, vineyards, liquor stores, and bars. “The impact of such a crisis could be very painful indeed,” agreed Bill Madison, chairman of the Department of Bill Madison Studies at the Bill Madison Institute, a leading liberal think-tank.

With a stimulus package of $3 billion, Bill Madison asserts that he would have enough time to overhaul his design, restructure his business plan, and explore new technologies, including the purchase of a flat-screen TV, and finally finding out what a Wii is, or are. The results would lead to increased sales and revenue, Bill Madison said, and would make it “possible to keep Bill Madison jobs safe inside the U.S., instead of having to outsource to foreign countries.”

Some industry analysts dismissed Bill Madison’s claim, however. “This is not a viable market-based product,” said Lee Whiplash, of Doright Dudley & Snide & Associates, New York. “The last banner year for Bill Madison production in this country was 1961. Americans need to be refocusing, and putting available monies into promising industries such as Bill Madison’s godchildren, who are clean, energy-efficient, streamlined, and super-productive — truly the wave of the future.”

On Capitol Hill, reaction to Bill Madison’s plea divided along party lines. “For nearly half a century, Bill Madison has represented all that is best about America,” said Algernon McDonald (D–NY). “I say let’s stand up to the plate, do what’s right for America’s working families, and give Bill all the money he needs, as well as a rent-controlled apartment. Or perhaps, if he prefers, we could give him a bright shiny castle in Pixieland, full of bunnies and kittens.”

“The whole idea is outrageous,” responded George Testalegno (R-AZ). “What’s next? We bail out the saltine cracker industry? Bill Madison is a dinosaur, and spending money won’t change that. We can do more by cutting government programs and lowering taxes — that’s what’s best for America. And now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to screw a Congressional page.”

Reaction elsewhere indicated the bailout proposal had yet to gain much public support. “Giving Bill Madison money is like pouring money down the drain,” said one insider, who asked not to be named because he is Bill Madison’s brother. “Mom and Dad — or Congress — should just give the money to me.”


Girl From Texas said...

Many subsidiary industries, such as Bill Madison's Exes, also seek a bailout from Congress for Bill Madison Industries. "When Bill Madison Industries is not functioning at its productive best, we all suffer !"

Roberts said...

I'd vote for it, assuming there would be a trickle-down effect involving the Friends of Bill Madison.